Share Your Blessings

Dear friends and family,

As you all know, my mom passed away last April 24, 2014 due to cancer. My birthday is coming this July 20. It's my first birthday without my mother and I feel so devastated. I recently suffered from depression and in my healing process, I feel the need to help other sick people. I am not that financially stable to donate a lot of money they need but I can give my free time in doing what I can do for them. We have schedule on July 21, 2014, for volunteering at Missionary of Charity, Home of Joy for sick people. We will organize an event that will cater activities to make those kids appreciate their life inspite of their condition. In this way, we can try and bring a little smile on the face of these children who have suffered a lot in life.  I just want to bring joy to those fighters and warriors like my mother.

I also want to donate funds that can help them with their everyday needs such as medicines, foods like milk, cerelac, etc. I am trying to raise as much money as possible.

Thus, I am making a humble request to you to try and help us out in any possible way, be it money or through providing services, donating clothes for kids or foods. Hence, this is a sincere plea to you to help us. 

With the help of your assistance, the organization will be able to support a large number of sick children. Your small donation today can help make a big difference in their lives. 

Any amount or any kind of donation will be highly appreciated as long as it is coming from your heart. 

“True charity is the desire to be useful to others without the thought of recompense” – Emanuel Swedenborg.

You can reach me at my email address: aiza.medina@yahoo.com

or send me a message in my facebook acount. 

Thank you very much for considering a donation for this noble cause.

Yours faithfully,

Aiza Reyes Medina

About the organizations: 

Your donations will go to two of my chosen charities.

1. The Cancer Warriors Foundation

It is the fulfillment of a promise ---- a promise made by a 19 year old boy (James Auste), as he himself was battling brain cancer. A promise that every Filipino child, stricken with cancer, especially the poor and disadvantaged, will have an equal chance to conquer cancer and to avail of cancer treatments. 

Mission

F acilitating increased awareness and understanding of childhood cancers, with emphasis on early detection, proper management and care. 

I nitiating programs and activities that will inspire cancer patients, survivors and their families, that there is hope and life, even with cancer.

G enerating support and pro-active involvement of various sectors in information/education/communication (IEC), and advocacy, especially on childhood cancers. 

H elping ensure that poor and impoverished children with cancer will have access to timely and appropriate diagnosis, proper treatment and quality care.

T aking the lead in building and strengthening linkages and encouraging resource – sharing, between and among local and international groups, involved in cancer prevention and care.The Cancer Warriors Foundation is engaged in innovative programs and activities to bring across its message and challenge: LET'S HELP KIDS BEAT CANCER.

for more details of the organization, please visit http://cancerwarriorsfoundation.org

2. The “Missionaries of Charity Home of Joy for the sick Children” 

It is the order of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta that serve the poorest of the poor and caters to special children, those with Down's syndrome, hydrocephalous, and the like.  

If you want, you can make a direct donation to them. 

For The Cancer Warriors Foundation, you can send a message at their FB page or email them at cancerwarriorsph@gmail.com for inquiry. 

For The “Missionaries of Charity Home of Joy for the sick Children”, you can visit them at 1030 Tayuman Street, Tondo, Manila. Their telephone number is (+632) 255-0832 and the contact person is Sister Anselm. 

Letting Go and Letting God

This article is about my grief journey.

How I failed and survived.

I wish that it will encourage anyone who is grieving and hurting.

The following is based on my experience.

Yours might be completely different,

but I’ll bet most of you can find some sort of similarities.

Our feelings are universal.

Different stories/scenarios.

Bottom line, it’s all painful.

I salute everyone who survived the grieving process.

Let’s all be strong and pray for each other.

To those whom not yet suffered a loss, I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say that can prepare you for it.  But always remember that no matter what happens, there is always a hope for complete healing. There will be a day when negative emotions will subside.

                           

Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you
will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” - John 16:22

They say that the hardest part of the bereavement is the after-burial day. I confirmed that this is true- when you have to go back to your daily life and you know that you have to face big changes in your life. It hurts knowing that I’m going to wake up every day and the first thing that come to my mind is my mother is now gone and will never be here physically forever, how can I live without her? She’s dead and I want her back! It’s like a morning sky without the sun. At the start of facing life without her- darkness seems to be never ending.

April 29, 2014 After the interment, we all returned in our house with broken hearts. The ambiance was still as sad as the first day of her death. Knowing that there would always be someone missing from our table from now on devastated me. Even though I promised myself to let her go, I wasn't able to do it the way I expected it to be. Goodbye seems to be the hardest word.

After praying the rosary with the rest of my family, a butterfly was waiting outside the room. It was a smaller butterfly which looked exactly the same as the butterfly who died in the funeral. Co-inicidence? I was really amazed. 

Maybe it’s a symbol of mom’s soul experiencing the promise of Easter. As they say, butterfly is a symbol of life and hope. The butterfly can be seen as the insect that dies as a caterpillar, buried in the cocoon for a length of time, and emerges in a new life- that as a creature who has the ability to transcend the ordinary and take flight into the heavens. In many spiritual circles, the butterfly represents the spirit or soul. (hubpages.com)

I requested for an extra vacation leaves from work to spend more time with my family. I felt like I can’t still go back to the city to live my life, I need an extra days to prepare myself for my everyday routine.

The first occasion without mom

It’s our family usual practice to go to my dad’s relatives during their fiesta. As a part of moving on, dad decided to attend. There’s pain in my chest as I was looking at left side part of the car where mom usually sits, she’s not there anymore. I tried to fight the memories that keep on recurring. The dinner was served. No more mom to unwrap shells of shrimp and crab for me. #mejospoiled

Facing the emptiness that nothing can seem to fill.

3 days additional leaves were over. My sister’s going back to USA and I need to go back to Makati for my work. We had our first family dinner in the mall without mom. Her absence causes a feeling of incompleteness. </3

                        

Before they accompanied my sister in the airport, they dropped me to the Bus station. You know the feeling that you are assessing yourself and you sensed that you’re not yet ready to face the coming days. As I was sitting in the bus, I can’t stop my mind from remembering mom- Her face, her smile, the last moment with her. My tears were falling continuously. For the first time after her death, I finally felt her presence. Everytime I’m trying to sleep, she’s appearing in my mind. I knew she’s with me at that particular moment. When I was already at my unit that night, I dreamt about her. She was in extreme pain in a hospital scene; I was panicking then suddenly the scenario changed; she stands up, smiled at me and told me that she now feels well. Then I realized that maybe mom was already tired and so much in pain, and Jesus invited her to come home and she went. How could I be so selfish wanting her so bad to get back here on earth? She’s now living with Jesus. She’s now my angel. One day I’ll see her in heaven.

I just wished that acceptance was as simple as that. When you lost your mother, you feel as if you've lost a part of your very own self. It’s hard. God knows how much I’m tormented everyday. No matter how I tried to be stronger as I should be, I still failed. Yes, I lost myself in the grieving process.

I’ve been through a lot of heartaches in my life and this one is the worst. When I lost my ex 2 years ago, mom knew how much I suffered. She saw me cried almost everyday- paying for all the mistakes I’ve done in my life. I even told her that it was the most painful thing I experienced in my existence. And now, I lost her. It broke the record. The pain of losing my her is double, triple.. or can I say that no amount of pain will be greater than this.

I made my body as my journal and my story was written in it. My first tattoo was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. A bible verse that made me goes on in life after experiencing a tremendous pain. My second tattoo was the signature of my mom. I want to carry her name for the rest of my life- whatever I do and wherever I go. Life with ink? Please don’t judge.

                       

                               

                       

In the days that followed her death, I managed to look okay when I’m with people. I joined the conversation in the office like a normal person, I laughed with jokes, smiled at them, talked like the way I was before my mom’s passing, post and interact in social networks. But the truth is I was not okay. I was in deep grief. The only solution I considered to function well in my workplace and in everyday life was to escape the reality. Everytime I remember her, I close my eyes and set up my mind that she is still alive; she is at home doing the things she do everyday while I am working in the City- then magic- sadness is vanishing little by little. Escaping reality became a habit. I made it a remedy. But, it’s not always successful. 

There were random times that everything is flashing back, over and over again, seems there’s no way to stop it.

-I was in my way home when the moment she’s dying popped up in my mind. I couldn't help it. My tears began to flow. The passengers started staring at me; maybe wondering what I’m going through.

-I hid in my office rest room so that no one could see my tears. Get used to quite sobbing just to release my negative emotions.

-I woke up and greeted “Good morning Papa Jesus, Good morning Mama!”. I thought I was doing a great start of the day but then sadness consumed it all, followed by a bad cry.

-Insomniac nights. I had trouble sleeping. My mind was so active, thoughts about her was persistent.
-Sounds OA, but I had an emotional throwback during the scene of the death of Gwen Stacy in Spiderman. I almost broke down in the cinema. My boyfriend was so worried; he didn’t know how to stop me from crying. The feeling that you can’t do anything to save the life of the one you love to keep her alive.

-I had a skin allergy all over my face due to stress as per my doctor, plus my two wisdom teeth were removed. I was about to dial her number, the thought of calling mom to tell her about it- then I realized that she’s now in heaven, far away where my phone calls can reach. This kind of event makes me miss her most. No more phone call conversation about complains in life, health updates and her constant reminders and sermon to take good care of myself!

-There was one time that I was alone in my work shift. I was staring at my mobile phone then suddenly a tsunami of sorrows attacked me. I remembered all the random phone calls of mom. I was craving for her voice so much! I cried like a baby.

-The old photographs bring back old memories. Make me miss her more.

-I was having a bad day and I inexplicably wanting my mother, I picture her calling me asking me how I was. My boyfriend came in to check on me, I was on my room sobbing uncontrollably because no ways became effective in escaping the real situation. A voice keeps shouting in my head “She’s now gone!”. And I felt like a loser.

-The Eucharistic mass part-singing “The Lord’s Prayer” is very significant to me. It makes me feel that I was with my mom, holding her hands. Up to now, there’s no moment that I don’t cry when I sing/hear this prayer.

-Often, I found it hard to concentrate. I have the habit of releasing my emotions thru writing. I wanted to write this heavy sadness and I ended up with this blog, writing down the story of her death. I want to share it to people and remind them to take good care of their loved ones while they still have time to do so.

-The pain was so intense that I consulted a psychotherapist but can’t afford to maintain therapy- so expensive. I was so desperate- I want them to give me something to take the pain away.

- Going home without her is like a moon without the stars. It is when I go home when I remember mama best. I can picture her in my mind in every corner of our house. As I enter, she is sitting in our dining area. The smile in her face when she sees me is one of the things I will miss about her then I reach her hand to put in my forehead (pagmamano-sign of respect to elders). “Mengan na ka?” Did you eat already?- The question that she will never missed to ask first. We have a short chatting time while she’s in the dining table sharing latest updates about me, if there is any. When I volunteer to wash the dishes, she always asks me to leave the casserole because she wants to wash it thoroughly; she knows I always failed to do that. I remember her walking around the garden and watering her orchids, roses and other plants.

-My grief was most evident on special occasions. May 11, 2014- Motherless in Mother’s day. I was so envious to everyone who had their moms to buy for flowers/gifts and to spend the day with them. I know that I should be thankful for all Mother’s day I did have. But it makes me so sad that I don’t have her anymore for all the Mother’s days to come.

Happy Mother's Day mom!

Everyday seems to be “same fight, different day”. I went through rollercoaster of emotions. Up. Down. Up. Down. I’ve tried my very best everyday just to keep myself busy. Just to comfort myself. Just to block out anything that would intensify the pain. But there were uncontrollable times when I begin to make progress, the memories suddenly flashback. The wounds that begin to heal reopen again. The days that followed failed to lessen my grief. Inconsistent emotion was the best word to describe it.

One day, I’m okay. The other day I’m super not. I often scheduled out of town outings, foodtrips, movie date, ice cream dates, etc. with friends, for me not to feel the loneliness. Some misunderstood my ways. All they know was I’m already moving on with what happened. I tried but I often failed. The truth? I continued to grieve silently and secretly. I don’t want them to see that I’m having a hard time adjusting with my life. I didn’t realize that I’m doing badly. I never fully allowed myself to feel what I really feel. I speed up the grieving process, no maybe the correct term is I tried to cheat the grieving process. I tried to push away the grief. Anytime I feel like falling apart, I’m escaping reality. Wrong. This worked for a little while, but not for long. Everytime I remember her death, I feel like my chest is going to explode. My mood swing became extreme that it somehow affects my relationship with my loved ones: family, boyfriend and some of my closest friends. I became impatient, sensitive and selfish who only care about what I feel. I often have this wrong emotion that no one really understand me. I became close minded. I took everything that happened negatively. I was so self centered that I expect them to treat me super kindly as possible but I didn’t realize that they were also grieving and feeling the same way that I do. All I know was I need them. I became inconsiderate about their feelings. There’s only ME! ME! ME! attitude. There came a point that I released my emotions in front of my dad when mysiblings and I had a huge misunderstanding. Failed to control my emotions and began to self-piety, I throw away the flowers I bought for my mom and some pillows when my sister and I had an argument. I was crying so hard repeatedly calling mama, dad was so worried. He begged me to calm down and accept that mom’s not here anymore.” I’m still here for you.” , he tearfully said. I felt a bit comforted knowing that I still have a parent who is still there for me. I still have my dad. That day, I slept with a feeling that I still have reasons to go on. But the next day is totally different story. When I came back to Makati,I was alone staring blanks at the roof of my room. That day, I was so seriously depressed, I hurt myself. I was about to do something stupid when my phone beeped and it was dad asking me how I was, did I already eat and a reminder to take good care of myself. Upon reading the message, I cried so hard, feeling so guilty for being weak to manage the pain properly. How could I be so inconsiderate to the people who love me and care so much for me?

Acceptance is the first step: Let go and let God.

That incident is an eye-opener of what I need to do and where should I start. Getting used to being motherless is taking longer than I thought. Even though it’s been months since my mother died, many things still trigger thoughts of her. But I realized that what I’m going through is totally normal. I’ve read many articles about death and grief, joined forums and I approached some of my friends who already went through this kind of situation. One of them told me that there’s no such thing as moving on when you lose your parent, you will only learn to live without them. And I couldn’t agree more.

Some bereaved can manage the pain properly. But some lost theirselves like I did. Depression may be a part of the grieving process. But everyone should see warning signs and try your best to open up to others. Seek for help. Depression kills. Seriously. You need to help yourself too. Acceptance is the first step to move forward. As of this writing, I’m still on the half way of the acceptance stage. But I’m happy there’s a progress. I’m now learning to allow myself to feel the pain. I don’t ignore nor escape it anymore. When I miss her or when I remember her, I cry ‘til I feel ok. And I tell myself “Hey aiz it’s ok! Iyak lang!”.

There is a hope for healing.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. 
- Jeremiah 31:13

On this continuing grief journey, I am learning a lot about the importance of life and the reminder that we should always be prepared for an uncertain future.

Mending my broken heart is not always an easy task. When being strong is the only option. I know that soon, I will be okay, because I have to be. 

I’m not a grief expert who can tell you everything you need to know about death and losing a loved one. I only have my story to share and the lessons and realizations to tell. It’s all for now. My journey is still in progress but someday I will make an article about the complete stage of grieving and healing. I can't preach what I still don't experience. For now, it’s all what can I offer to my readers.

God understands a silent and aching heart that doesn't know the exact words to say to Him. Trust Him. I did. Little by little I’m starting to see a light.

It is apparent that the cancer won the battle against mom. But His promise is greater than that fight. 

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

God Allows U-Turns

We are human- capable of making mistakes. Nobody is perfect.  Let us all admit: In some point of our lives: we make wrong choices, wrong decisions and wrong turns. I raise my hand- oops yes, guilty! My story is different from yours but God’s promise for us is similar. He allows U-turns. God forgives. No matter how far you run in the wrong direction, by God's grace and love you can turn your life around and get going again in the right direction.

Don’t let the past define who you are. I know it will take some time before you can totally forgive yourself. I myself had been in a wrong road before. My life was in a big mess. I faced the consequences of my actions. But as I always tell: I’m not there anymore. There will always be people who will still judge and will not believe in you but don’t mind them. Just keep going. Hey! It’s not between you and them in the first place. It’s between you and God anyway. God see what’s inside your heart! So don’t worry. You are a person of worth. Stop thinking that your past has disqualified you for having a good life. Always prove that you deserve a second chance. Past is past, you have the present- the result of the past but you have the power now to let it be the way you want it to be. You gained lessons for sure- use them instead as a guide in your future.

It is not easy to start all over again, when you have to go back to the right direction and pick up all your mess. I've been there. I can assure you, it's all worth it. When you look back, you will be amazed how that life shaking experience turn you into a person God wants you to be: stronger, better, You version 2.0 :D

If you're heading in a wrong direction, don't be discouraged! God allows U-Turn.

Godbless our path!

Meditate on God’s word:

Acts 3:19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.

Daniel 9:9 The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.

Job 22:23  If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent.

Ezekiel 18:21-23 But if wicked people turn away from all their sins and begin to obey my decrees and do what is just and right, they will surely live and not die. All their past sins will be forgotten, and they will live because of the righteous things they have done. “Do you think that I like to see wicked people die? says the Sovereign Lord. Of course not! I want them to turn from their wicked ways and live.

James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Isaiah 55:6-7 Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts; Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them; and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

Acts 8:22 Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord in the hope that he may forgive you for having such a thought in your heart.

The Loss, The Pain and The Regrets

Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

….  When I saw them covering mom’s dead body in white blanket, all I wish was it is all a dream. I can’t tell the exact description of what I felt during that time because part of me literally became numb of crying. I want to shout at the top of my lungs just to release the emotions but seem like something was stuck in my throat.

Feelings of bitterness began crowding out my mind. I can’t stop questioning the Lord why so soon.  It’s not fair, I thought. I want to complain. I want to get mad. I’m like a child having hard feelings with her parent because her request is not granted.  “Lord, with just one word, she will be healed. You are so powerful, you can save her and still give her a chance to be with us longer, why didn’t you?”

When we left the hospital, the pain continues to contaminate our hearts. We all want to go home immediately, wept and break down but there were a lot of things that need to do first such as settle the hospital bill, death certificate requirements, coordinate to the funeral parlor the things we need for the interment.

While we’re on the car, they remembered the last week before she passed away; they already planned to buy burial clothes for her because there was Filipino pamahiin/superstition that it lengthens the life of someone who has terminal disease. Funny because we don’t actually believe that, but we planned to do it. Nothing to lose if we follow the advice of some, we all thought. It’s how desperate we were. Unfortunately, we were not able to try it because of her sudden death.

Before going to the funeral parlor, we went to a shop and bought a simple but elegant Filipiniana, matching with pearl earrings. I couldn't hold my tears realizing that it would be the last time I pick clothes for my mom. So sad that I can no longer do the one thing I do for her randomly: buy clothes for her, especially when there’s occasion. Since my first salary, she never accepted money from me. “Dinan meng ditak i tatang mu and tipunan mu nalamu para keka “. Give some to your dad instead and save some money for you. Then, I remembered the conversation we had when I graduated from highschool. I promised her that she’ll always have new set of clothes when I begin to work after college. My promise was not broken; I buy clothes for her whenever I have extra money. It’s good to see the smile in her face when I go home and tell her.. “Ma, seli dakang malan. Subuk mu nemo if istu ya size.” Ma, I bought you new clothes. Let see if the size I chose is correct. When I buy her more than one, she’ll remind me the value of money. One is enough, she always tells me. And I insist “Minsan lang e.”  Happiness is when I see her wearing the clothes I bought. I will miss teasing her “Yay:3 ako bumili nyan. Ganda ma J”. Being the youngest that have the smallest income among my siblings, even small things like this one matter.

On our way home, the news about the demise of my mother spread quickly. Friends started to call and send messages of sympathy. Letters of condolences seemed to deepen my sorrow that time.

When we reached our house, there were a lot of people waiting outside. Tears filled my eyes as I entered; realizing that from now on, everything will never be the same. The sadness filled over. I immediately ran inside mom’s room and I broke down. My sister Jenn went on the other room and my sister Amy sat on the dining area. The door was closed but I can hear their cries. Every part of the room reminds me of her. The surrounding became very dramatic. I wept. Memories were all that I have. Suddenly they became the most treasured thing in my life.

We went to the funeral parlor to check mom after the embalmment. Is that mom, I asked. Her body, specifically the form of her face changed. The wound in her lips which she had bitten in pain was still visible. It was shown in her face the hardship she went though. She’s not even smiling.

When the coffin arrived in our house, I was sitting at the sofa and I was looking at the area where they are going to put it. Our house was newly painted in white. Before she passed away, she instructed dad to hire someone to fix the ceilings and repaint it with white color. Is it one of her premonitions? L I also remembered her last dream was gathering of many people wearing all whites in a banquet singing a song. Her deceased immediate family members (lolo, tita and tito) were also appearing in her dream so often, almost the whole week before she died. I wished I was more mindful with that.

The first night without her was really hard. Acceptance seems an impossible word. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and when I woke up and checked if it’s all a bad dream, I saw dad at my side and my two brothers were sleeping in the floor. I cried loudly, my dad woke up. Everything was real.He held my hand so tight and even though he didn’t say any words, I knew that he understands what I feel. I forced myself to go back to sleep because sleeping is the best way to escape the reality..

The next day, the sorrow still goes on but it was temporarily overwhelmed because visitors multiplied and grief had only a little space to fill in our mind. I feel well when I’m with people but become very weak when I’m alone. My family advised me not to stay inside the room but when I miss mom, I go there and faced the consequences- the depression.

Neighbors, Friends, Relatives came to show their support to our family and their love for our deceased mother. We were very grateful to know that my mom touched and influenced so many lives. #prouddaughter. Our family was very thankful to everyone because they helped us to cope somehow at that sad time. The everyday mass serviced by different priests and the pray over of the pastors were also a big help to make acceptance a possible word for us.

I really appreciated all my friends and officemates who called, texted and sent me a message and letter especially those few of them who exert an effort to be at my mom’s wake and burial. To my CF Childhood friends: Van and Casey- who went there almost every night of the wake, Quin and Mike. Lovely,  Gelai, Wei, Jaic and Sep. To my highschool friends: Che, Reya and Allen- as usual. To my college friends Choi, Jake, Mary, Zel and most especially to Paula- the effort to drive from Manila to Pampanga not just once but twice. You guys showed me that distance is not an excuse not to be there for me and at least give me some hugs when I needed it most. Thank you guys! To Father Christian, for telling me the words that I need to hear during the first night. To Gelo- for everything. I don’t want to enumerate those things because couple of pages is needed for those.

My Eulogy

Let me share the eulogy I made for my mom. It was read by my sister after the last mass for her.

What hurts the most?

Yun ung.. andaming stages pa ng buhay ko ang dadaanan ko, pero wala ka na. I want you to be there for me ma. Ihahatid mo pa ako dapat sa altar diba when I get married. Tuturuan mo pa ako mag-alaga ng apat na apo mo sakin.. Makikita mo pa ko na maging successful. Yung tipong ako na magbibigay sa inyo ni tatay ng maraming pera.. Pano na ko ngayon? Ang hirap i-face lahat lahat ng wala ka. Everything will never be the same without you. Wala na kong nanay na tatakbuhan kapag nagkakatampuhan o inaasar ako ng mga kapatid ko.. Wala na kong nanay na gigising ng sobrang aga para lang magising ako at hindi malate sa office. Wala na kong nanay na magluluto kahit anong sama pa ng pakiramdam mo, may maibaon lang ako pagkain pag-uwi ko ng makati. Wala ng nanay na tatawag sakin para komustahin ako pag may sakit ako, magpaalala na uminom ng gamot, kumain sa tamang oras, alagaan ang sarili.. Hanggang sa hospital kahit nakahilata ka na sa bed, you never failed to remind me those. Ma ang hirap hirap lalo. Wala na kameng nanay na mag-aasikaso saming lahat.

Ang sakit sakit palang mawalan ng nanay- the most painful thing I experienced.

Ang hirap hirap gumising sa umaga na marerealized mo na hindi pala panaginip lahat to- wala ka na pala talaga.

Kung minsan hindi ko mapigilang kwestyunin si Lord  " Bakit ganito kaaga. Hindi ko sha pinagdadamot sayo kasi alam ko ikaw ung mas nagmamahal sakanya.. Mas magiging masaya sya sa tabi mo.. kasi with you, he will no longer experience the pains she felt here.. Pero Lord, kayang kaya mo naman tanggalin lahat ng mga sakit na nararamdaman nya e.. With just one word, she will be healed. Isang salita mo lang Lord. Pero bakit hindi mo ginawa.."

Pero sabi nga nila, everything happens for a reason.I just need to trust his will lang siguro. Pero lolokohin ko lang ung sarili ko ngayon if sasabihin kong tanggap ko na nangyari. Hindi pa. Pero in time, soon.. tis pain of losing her will be healed.  Magiging okay din ako. Alam kong mas magiging masaya sha na makita un.

Your love for us will always remain in our hearts. Nawala ka man, lagi ka lang nandito sa puso naming lahat..

My Regrets

The last time I saw her awake, my sister and I talked about my mandatory leave and I agreed to spend all those days for mom. Just when I thought that it was time to spend more time with her- this happens.  I should realized earlier that in cancer, time is measured in moments- not days/months/years.

I was simply "too busy". While I was caring for having a better life, I missed the things I need to do for my mother. I regret not calling her as often as I can- over the times she and I have failed to communicate. I feel the loss of what was or what could have been- with the realization that mom would now longer be there for me.

Whenever I look back, I want to hit my head for being so confident that she will be healed. Death never crossed my mind! I didn't even consider the possibility (even a little). If only I can turn back time, I will do the things that she wants me to do for her. I will spend more quality time with her. Show her how much I love her. Assure her I'll be okay with my life. I will try my best to be the daughter that she deserves to have.

We have chance to be prepared, but we never did. I am currently living with regrets.

I was there for her during my day offs, but I felt that it was never enough. I know I can do more for her.

I am not really into cooking, but cooking is her passion, I wish I forced myself to try at least. We lost the best cook in our family. I will forever miss her specialties: Embutido, Arellenong Bangus, Pininyahang manok, Tinolang manok, Gelatin, Cornstarch and even the simple Patola soup with egg (my favorite) which she often cook just for me when our meal is Paksiw na isda or Bulanglang na Bangus because she knows I don't like those.

When someone is gone in your life, all the WHAT IF’s are automatic to run in your mind.

After the loss, my imagination went so far that I reach even the unattainable things.

If someone will give me the opportunity of being anything in this world, I choose to be a doctor- my dream when I was 4 years old. Maybe if I was, I detected mom’s disease in early stage or anything to lengthen her life. Seriously, what if I pursue that dream? Will I be more health conscious and will discover mom’s cancer earlier? Will I save her life?

What if I prepared myself that mom is dying soon? Will it be easier for me to let her go?

What If I realized earlier that I need to do the things that I need to do as a daughter? Maybe I don’t need to blame myself right now for not doing enough to show my love for her.

What if there’s time machine? What if we have at least two lives in our lifetime?

What if… I always wonder what might have happened if God chosen to grant miraculous healing.

It’s hard to live with regrets. I hope everyone who read my story will realize that life is really short.  Never miss a day without showing your loved ones how much you love them.

Mom's Final Journey: A Journey to Eternity

  

   There is a time for everything, 
    and a season for every activity under the heavens: 
    a time to be born and a time to die,     
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,     
     a time to kill and a time to heal, 
    a time to tear down and a time to build,   
    a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
    a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,   
    a time to search and a time to give up, 
    a time to keep and a time to throw away, 
    a time to tear and a time to mend, 
    a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
    a time to love and a time to hate, 
    a time for war and a time for peace. 
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

The greatest fear in my life is losing my mom. Last April 24, 2014, it happened unexpectedly and unprepared. Our parents raise and nurture us. We fight, love, laugh and live with them then one day we lose them. Ironic isn't it? But as they say, that’s part of the cycle of life and we have to face it. Death is the end of the journey here on earth. But it is the passport in eternity- for an everlasting and eternal life. We should always be ready to face it.

Start of the Agony
It was Maundy Thursday, year 2013, just after our Visita Iglesia, was the start of my mom's agony. She accidentally bumped in the kitchen sink. As she massaged her stomach, she discovered a lump, which she described bigger like an egg. She sounded very worried when she called me over the phone the next morning. Unfortunately, we have to wait until next week for doctor consultation because it was holy week during that time. 

For the first time in my mom's life, she was hospitalized. She stayed there for almost a week. Her pain tolerance was very low. It breaks my heart when I see her in pain. I cried too whenever she cries. I can’t take seeing her crying. They performed a lot of tests and sadly, the lump in her stomach was cancer positive: Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. We were all saddened by the result. We didn't inform mom yet about her condition because she has a heart disease. So, we have to wait for the best time to tell her.
When we went home, she immediately called the one who always do the perming of her hair. She was not aware and she was shocked that she has to go through series of chemotherapy and will lose her hair. :( She loves her hair so much and as a daughter, I know what she's going to feel. 
What would you feel if someone tells you that you have cancer? When my siblings explained to mom the result of the tests, acceptance was hard to do. At first, mom was too weak emotionally but with the help of the people around her: us, priest, doctors, relatives and friends; she faced the situation courageously and see it instead as challenge of her faith to God.
The Battle with Cancer

She completed 9 cycles of chemotherapy. I remembered all the sufferings she went through during those times. Chemo side effects during the 1st week after the chemo were not really good. You will feel nauseous, weak, etc. Mom suffered immensely. :( But we were all hopeful that these sufferings were all worth it because she will be able to recover soon. After 6 chemotheraphy sessions, her stomach was cleared from cancer and closed to normal stomach again! YESS! We were super happy. All we know was her health was improving and restoring. I even declared that she was already cancer free. Out of joy, I thanked everyone who prayed for her. How could I forget that moment when I almost jump for happiness, knowing that the lump in my mom's stomach was now cleared? Mom called me that time and she requested me not to post to FB anymore about her condition. She doesn't want people to treat her like disabled/sick person. Orayt. Request granted. I kept everything in private, from there. 
After she finished the 6 cycles of chemo, the doctor requested for the PET scan. There's something in her spleen but her stomach was cleared. The doctor now suggested for additional 3 cycles of chemo. What do we know about what's really best for mom? We want to restore her health. With mom's condition, we always believe what the doctor says. He's the specialist. With the apparent confidence he had during the first consultation, we truly have faith in him too. 
She completed the treatment. I didn't expect that the end of the chemo was the start of a new agony again! 
Her leg started to cramped. It started with a simple leg pain, which we thought was some bad side effect of the chemo. But it became worse day by day. She cried in pain, every day and night. The pain was so intense. 
Everytime I go home, during my day-offs, I always go back in Makati with a heavy heart. It's not easy to see your mom crying in pain but you can't do anything to take it all away. It was a tough feeling. When I'm massaging her legs whenever her cramps attacked her, I can't help but cry too. I can't feel what she feels physically, but my heart was breaking every time I see her that way. Simple cramp in the feet sucks, what more with the legs. I know it was really painful. :( oh mom! Now I remember again those times that I have to go outside your room and cry or when I have to close my ears because I don't want to hear you in pain and cry silently when I'm beside you in bed! :( 
The doctor performed some tests again to know the root cause of her extensive leg cramps. Spine was affected by the non-Hodgkin lymphoma. The cancer metastasized. She underwent some series of radiation therapy. In God's grace, she was able to walk close to normal for weeks including in her 64th birthday party - her last birthday celebration on earth. I thank all the people who attended in my mom's party. You made her all happy during that time. 

Weeks after her birthday, the traitor disease attacked again. Small lump in the scalp of the head appeared, and it increases its size continuously day by day. They did necessary tests to find out if its cancer positive and sadly, it was. “Again?”. The feeling that you want to complain to God why it was happening to her! Everyone knows my mom is a person with a big heart. She doesn't deserve it. Her bone marrow was also checked if it was affected by non-hodgkin lymphoma. The result was good but the test was a painful procedure. 
After a couple of weeks, her spine at the back started to experience extreme pain. She was not able to walk normally again. Standing became difficult for her. The doctor told us that it was due to compression fracture. 
The radiation therapy for the lump in hear scalp began. We noticed that another small lump in the area appeared. The doctor included it in the therapy but she wasn't able to finish the treatment because her WBC dropped.
April 05, 2014; I was in Batangas for my company outing, my sister sent me a message informing me that mom was confined in the hospital again. She was down with pneumonia. Colds doubled her sufferings because every time she coughs, her back aches more. Plus the sad news that there was blood in her urine and they will do tests again to find out if the cancer metastasizes too in the kidney or other part of her body. I can't help but cry that night because I knew that mom was in pain again! 
Her last couple of days was spent at the hospital. The doctor advised to limit the visitors because of her weak immune system. She stayed there for 20 days. Imagine how many needles were inserted to her veins. When I was there, I let her pinch me to minimize the pain she feels whenever they insert needles.

Last Moment with Mom
April 21, 2014: my day-off. I arrived at the hospital and witnessed one of the faith healers they consulted praying for my mother. We considered all the options for the possibility of her health restoration. The cancer metastasized already and some doctor gave prognosis of 3-6 months. When you love someone, you will do everything just to save them from sufferings and lengthen their life. There were different versions regarding the root cause of my mom’s suffering: The first faith healer said my mom was cursed because someone is jealous and insecure of her. But according to the other faith healer, who saw the white flower in her ritual which means mom’s death on the day of her death, it was a genetic disease and it’s really a pure cancer (which I believed among all the version). Two of mom’s siblings suffered from cancer. My tito (uncle) who died from cancer and my tita (auntie) who was a cancer survivor. But the last faith healer they consulted told us that she was under the spell of a witch craft. But whatever the real cause of my mom’s sufferings, she’s now gone. And there’s no way to have her back. One thing is for sure, she is now in better hand and place - living in peace praising the Lord- in Heaven.

I remembered 3 nights before she died, we did our group prayer. She led by singing the Lord's prayer, we were holding each other's hands. At the end of the song, she loudly prayed "Jesus, sana po pagalingan yu ku po at dinan pang makabang biye.” (Jesus please heal me and give me a longer life).  This is the main reason why it was hard for me to let her go. Because I knew in my heart how she fight for her life and how she still wants to be with us, live longer, help other people and serve the Lord.

That night, we were all awake because she was shouting in pain. My sisters were at her side and praying and I was at the sofa crying and covering my ears. I don’t want to hear her moan. It was breaking my heart. I can’t go at her side because I’m too weak to see her that way. I was silently praying begging God to take away the pains. I slept with tears in my eyes. When I woke up, my heart was so at peace to see her smiling. She seems fine. Did God answer my prayer? My sister told me that mom was already in morphine drip. I don’t know about this thing, but upon researching and asking my nurse friends, it was a drug- used for extreme pain.

Morphine is an opiate narcotic known to be one of the strongest narcotics available for people experiencing excessive and intolerable pain. A person may receive a morphine drip after a major surgery, if they are terminally ill, or if they are receiving painful treatments. Because of the strength and dependency issues, morphine drips are recommended only for acute pain, not for chronic pain. Morphine is known to be the most addictive of the pain management narcotics and for this reason should be used with extra care. Someone who is terminally ill may require a morphine drip to control pain that the medical community may be unable to remove by other means. Because of the terminal condition, the morphine drip's addictive qualities can be overlooked in some cases. It is fast-acting, giving relief almost immediately after entrance to the body. Many patients that have recently had major surgery are given a morphine drip because the patient has control over how much pain medication is administered. The patient can hit a button to release more morphine as needed. It also can be set up to release a maximum amount per hour to ensure a continuous flow of morphine without experiencing any ups and downs in the amount ingested. There are ways to restrict the total amount with a lock-out on a certain number of milligrams per minutes to prevent an overdose being requested by any patient. This lock-out amount differs for every person and in each case and should be watched carefully by a professional. Because morphine has the ability to depress the respiratory system, it can be dangerous if too much is administered and can even shut down the body and cause death. Family members and patients must be sure that these lock-out amounts are acceptable and any effects are understood in advance.  (reference.com)

During my stay at the hospital, she was reminding me to take good care of myself. I was slightly coughing that time and she said “Manguku na ka eka pa sasaling panulu, ot paburen mu ing sarili mu.” (You’re already coughing and yet you are not taking any meds, why are you not taking good care of yourself?”) It was really hard losing your mother because you will forever miss this kind of reminders. 

April 22, 2014: Gelo’s (my boyfriend) family visited mom in the hospital.

Finally, mom was able to meet them. Sadly, it was their last meeting.

She wasn’t able to cook for them. One of the things I’ll miss about mom is her hospitality whenever we have visitors. Eventhough she’s not feeling well, she will still cook a lot of food for the guests.

Gelo’s mom told her to get well soon because she will still accompany me walking in the aisle in my wedding day. It hurts me so much knowing that she will not be there physically anymore with all the coming stages in my life: Getting married, having children and succeed in life.

She was smiling when we were about to go. If only I knew that it would be the last day I'll see her smile.. 

“I love you ma! Pagaling ka hah (Get well soon!)”.- The last words I told her when she’s still awake.. I just felt right now that the kiss I gave her that time was a kiss saying goodbye forever. Darn!

April 23, 2014- Received good news. Mom will go home soon, maybe in 3-5 days. My sister asked me to look for private nurse because we need it for mom’s condition. The next day, everything that happened was really unexpected. 

End of the Battle 
Last thursday, April 24, 2014, the phone kept on ringing aggressively. I woke up with the call around 06:00 am, I was really nervous hearing my sister's voice. My mom was in the ICU and I have to go home as soon as possible. I was quite shocked because I thought she would be out of the hospital in 3-5 days. The cry of my sister bothered me. The faith healer told her that she already saw the white flower in her ritual, which means mom's end of life. According to her, Mom's just waiting for someone very special to her heart before leaving, which we think was kuya whom she's referring. I called my boss right after and told them I'll be on emergency leave and then I immediately packed my things but I decided to bring clothes that I can use for only 2 days because I was in a deep hope that she will be fine. My phone rang again and my older sister, Amy, talked to me and informed me that the doctor told them that the chance of surviving is very low and we should be prepared for the possible loss. I began to feel the pain and I started crying hard and loudly. I was begging God "Please.. Please Lord! Save my mom. Please..". 
My boyfriend accompanied me at the hospital in Pampanga. He was cheering me up while we're on our way there and made my hope of God saving mom was increased. Miracles happen right? I was forcing myself to have faith even though the fear of losing her was consuming my thoughts. 
08:55 am, I immediately ran at the ICU but unfortunately, it was closed. We were asked to wait for 30 minutes. I went to the room because we were going to discuss things. Dad, my 2 brothers and 2 sisters were there. My oldest brother was on the phone. Dad was trying to be strong. He keeps on telling me that my mom was tired already and she deserves to have a rest. I don't want to accept things. They were all preparing theirselves and ready to surrender mom to God. And me? I'm still the stubborn and selfish kid- I don't want to give up mom! I was asking her to fight! Please mom.. don't leave us! God please! I'm begging you! Send a miracle! 
Around 09:30 am, we were allowed to go to the ICU room, my cousin ate Jul accompanied me. I was not prepared to see her that way. If only I can do ways to wake her up and to take away all her sufferings, but there are things in life that only God can. I wasn't able to go inside because I broke down. I saw mom was not awake and there were 4 nurses inside. My heart crushed. Ran outside shouting in tears. My sister-in-law and my cousin comforted me. 
I went back to the room and inform them that we were now allowed to go inside. My sister Amy brought the phone, my oldest brother Dennis will to talk to mom. 
As I enter in the ICU, my heart was beating so fast and I can't hold my tears. Mom was still alive, fighting but not awake. Seeing your mother in this kind of situation- it's super heartbreaking. Mom can still hear us as per the nurses, I whispered all 3 things I want to tell her. I didn't ask for anything. I simply said: Thank you, Sorry and I love you so much. The room was filled with emotions and hope. I kissed her; I held her hands that were already cold and starting to look pale. Why is this happening so soon? Mixed emotions. It was so hard to accept. Tears fell down and there's no magic word to stop it. 
After my two sisters' turn to talk to mom, we called my oldest brother Dennis to tell mom what he wants to say over the phone. My brother was crying really hard asking for forgiveness for all the wrong things he had done in his life. He kept telling mom that no matter what happens, he would go home soon. He just needs to fix things in abroad. (personal matter). 
After hearing my brother's message, we have noticed that her blood pressure began to shutdown, from 60/30 became 40/20. Seems like she really just waited for my brother. We went back to the room because visiting hours were over. We were all worried but we can't do anything but to wait and pray. 
Suddenly, around 02:10 pm, the phone in the room rang. My heart starts beating fast again, and I had a feeling mom was not in the good condition. And I was right. My sister's facial reaction tells it all.
We ran really fast, we were in a rush. My sister was the only allowed to enter. She saw the nurses reviving mom. Together with my nieces, we went to the chapel: all begging, crying, and bargaining Jesus to give her a second life. I was loudly praying "LORD PLEASE! We are begging you! Send us a miracle. Please save mom! We beg!". All in tears. 
2:15 pm, The doctor asked my father if we still want to continue reviving mom. He suggested to just simply stop the reviving process to end mom's suffering. I loudly said "NO!". As per him, they are trying to revive mom for almost 10 minutes, they are doing their very best but she was not responding anymore. Dad asked if the revival would make a difference and what's the percentage of surviving death. The doctor answered "very little". It will only lengthen her sufferings. 
You know why is it hard to surrender her? It is because I know in my heart, that she still wants to live. We saw how she strive hard to fight with cancer. Even the doctor and the nurses were amused by her bravery. 
The doctor then allowed all of us to go to mom's room in ICU. Her breath only relies on the manual pumping of oxygen. At that very moment, the only hope left you will depend on to is miracle. Until her last breath, I didn't give up my FAITH. I was kissing her hands, hugging her body, praying silently. "Mom don't give up! Please fight for us!". I know she tried her best to fight. But her body already collapsed. Before her last heartbeat, we were singing the Lord's prayer, holding each other hands. At exactly 02:35 pm, mom passed away. The saddest day ever. I lost the most important person in my life. 

Ecclesiastes 12:7. "Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it."