Letting Go and Letting God

This article is about my grief journey.

How I failed and survived.

I wish that it will encourage anyone who is grieving and hurting.

The following is based on my experience.

Yours might be completely different,

but I’ll bet most of you can find some sort of similarities.

Our feelings are universal.

Different stories/scenarios.

Bottom line, it’s all painful.

I salute everyone who survived the grieving process.

Let’s all be strong and pray for each other.

To those whom not yet suffered a loss, I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say that can prepare you for it.  But always remember that no matter what happens, there is always a hope for complete healing. There will be a day when negative emotions will subside.

                           

Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you
will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” - John 16:22

They say that the hardest part of the bereavement is the after-burial day. I confirmed that this is true- when you have to go back to your daily life and you know that you have to face big changes in your life. It hurts knowing that I’m going to wake up every day and the first thing that come to my mind is my mother is now gone and will never be here physically forever, how can I live without her? She’s dead and I want her back! It’s like a morning sky without the sun. At the start of facing life without her- darkness seems to be never ending.

April 29, 2014 After the interment, we all returned in our house with broken hearts. The ambiance was still as sad as the first day of her death. Knowing that there would always be someone missing from our table from now on devastated me. Even though I promised myself to let her go, I wasn't able to do it the way I expected it to be. Goodbye seems to be the hardest word.

After praying the rosary with the rest of my family, a butterfly was waiting outside the room. It was a smaller butterfly which looked exactly the same as the butterfly who died in the funeral. Co-inicidence? I was really amazed. 

Maybe it’s a symbol of mom’s soul experiencing the promise of Easter. As they say, butterfly is a symbol of life and hope. The butterfly can be seen as the insect that dies as a caterpillar, buried in the cocoon for a length of time, and emerges in a new life- that as a creature who has the ability to transcend the ordinary and take flight into the heavens. In many spiritual circles, the butterfly represents the spirit or soul. (hubpages.com)

I requested for an extra vacation leaves from work to spend more time with my family. I felt like I can’t still go back to the city to live my life, I need an extra days to prepare myself for my everyday routine.

The first occasion without mom

It’s our family usual practice to go to my dad’s relatives during their fiesta. As a part of moving on, dad decided to attend. There’s pain in my chest as I was looking at left side part of the car where mom usually sits, she’s not there anymore. I tried to fight the memories that keep on recurring. The dinner was served. No more mom to unwrap shells of shrimp and crab for me. #mejospoiled

Facing the emptiness that nothing can seem to fill.

3 days additional leaves were over. My sister’s going back to USA and I need to go back to Makati for my work. We had our first family dinner in the mall without mom. Her absence causes a feeling of incompleteness. </3

                        

Before they accompanied my sister in the airport, they dropped me to the Bus station. You know the feeling that you are assessing yourself and you sensed that you’re not yet ready to face the coming days. As I was sitting in the bus, I can’t stop my mind from remembering mom- Her face, her smile, the last moment with her. My tears were falling continuously. For the first time after her death, I finally felt her presence. Everytime I’m trying to sleep, she’s appearing in my mind. I knew she’s with me at that particular moment. When I was already at my unit that night, I dreamt about her. She was in extreme pain in a hospital scene; I was panicking then suddenly the scenario changed; she stands up, smiled at me and told me that she now feels well. Then I realized that maybe mom was already tired and so much in pain, and Jesus invited her to come home and she went. How could I be so selfish wanting her so bad to get back here on earth? She’s now living with Jesus. She’s now my angel. One day I’ll see her in heaven.

I just wished that acceptance was as simple as that. When you lost your mother, you feel as if you've lost a part of your very own self. It’s hard. God knows how much I’m tormented everyday. No matter how I tried to be stronger as I should be, I still failed. Yes, I lost myself in the grieving process.

I’ve been through a lot of heartaches in my life and this one is the worst. When I lost my ex 2 years ago, mom knew how much I suffered. She saw me cried almost everyday- paying for all the mistakes I’ve done in my life. I even told her that it was the most painful thing I experienced in my existence. And now, I lost her. It broke the record. The pain of losing my her is double, triple.. or can I say that no amount of pain will be greater than this.

I made my body as my journal and my story was written in it. My first tattoo was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. A bible verse that made me goes on in life after experiencing a tremendous pain. My second tattoo was the signature of my mom. I want to carry her name for the rest of my life- whatever I do and wherever I go. Life with ink? Please don’t judge.

                       

                               

                       

In the days that followed her death, I managed to look okay when I’m with people. I joined the conversation in the office like a normal person, I laughed with jokes, smiled at them, talked like the way I was before my mom’s passing, post and interact in social networks. But the truth is I was not okay. I was in deep grief. The only solution I considered to function well in my workplace and in everyday life was to escape the reality. Everytime I remember her, I close my eyes and set up my mind that she is still alive; she is at home doing the things she do everyday while I am working in the City- then magic- sadness is vanishing little by little. Escaping reality became a habit. I made it a remedy. But, it’s not always successful. 

There were random times that everything is flashing back, over and over again, seems there’s no way to stop it.

-I was in my way home when the moment she’s dying popped up in my mind. I couldn't help it. My tears began to flow. The passengers started staring at me; maybe wondering what I’m going through.

-I hid in my office rest room so that no one could see my tears. Get used to quite sobbing just to release my negative emotions.

-I woke up and greeted “Good morning Papa Jesus, Good morning Mama!”. I thought I was doing a great start of the day but then sadness consumed it all, followed by a bad cry.

-Insomniac nights. I had trouble sleeping. My mind was so active, thoughts about her was persistent.
-Sounds OA, but I had an emotional throwback during the scene of the death of Gwen Stacy in Spiderman. I almost broke down in the cinema. My boyfriend was so worried; he didn’t know how to stop me from crying. The feeling that you can’t do anything to save the life of the one you love to keep her alive.

-I had a skin allergy all over my face due to stress as per my doctor, plus my two wisdom teeth were removed. I was about to dial her number, the thought of calling mom to tell her about it- then I realized that she’s now in heaven, far away where my phone calls can reach. This kind of event makes me miss her most. No more phone call conversation about complains in life, health updates and her constant reminders and sermon to take good care of myself!

-There was one time that I was alone in my work shift. I was staring at my mobile phone then suddenly a tsunami of sorrows attacked me. I remembered all the random phone calls of mom. I was craving for her voice so much! I cried like a baby.

-The old photographs bring back old memories. Make me miss her more.

-I was having a bad day and I inexplicably wanting my mother, I picture her calling me asking me how I was. My boyfriend came in to check on me, I was on my room sobbing uncontrollably because no ways became effective in escaping the real situation. A voice keeps shouting in my head “She’s now gone!”. And I felt like a loser.

-The Eucharistic mass part-singing “The Lord’s Prayer” is very significant to me. It makes me feel that I was with my mom, holding her hands. Up to now, there’s no moment that I don’t cry when I sing/hear this prayer.

-Often, I found it hard to concentrate. I have the habit of releasing my emotions thru writing. I wanted to write this heavy sadness and I ended up with this blog, writing down the story of her death. I want to share it to people and remind them to take good care of their loved ones while they still have time to do so.

-The pain was so intense that I consulted a psychotherapist but can’t afford to maintain therapy- so expensive. I was so desperate- I want them to give me something to take the pain away.

- Going home without her is like a moon without the stars. It is when I go home when I remember mama best. I can picture her in my mind in every corner of our house. As I enter, she is sitting in our dining area. The smile in her face when she sees me is one of the things I will miss about her then I reach her hand to put in my forehead (pagmamano-sign of respect to elders). “Mengan na ka?” Did you eat already?- The question that she will never missed to ask first. We have a short chatting time while she’s in the dining table sharing latest updates about me, if there is any. When I volunteer to wash the dishes, she always asks me to leave the casserole because she wants to wash it thoroughly; she knows I always failed to do that. I remember her walking around the garden and watering her orchids, roses and other plants.

-My grief was most evident on special occasions. May 11, 2014- Motherless in Mother’s day. I was so envious to everyone who had their moms to buy for flowers/gifts and to spend the day with them. I know that I should be thankful for all Mother’s day I did have. But it makes me so sad that I don’t have her anymore for all the Mother’s days to come.

Happy Mother's Day mom!

Everyday seems to be “same fight, different day”. I went through rollercoaster of emotions. Up. Down. Up. Down. I’ve tried my very best everyday just to keep myself busy. Just to comfort myself. Just to block out anything that would intensify the pain. But there were uncontrollable times when I begin to make progress, the memories suddenly flashback. The wounds that begin to heal reopen again. The days that followed failed to lessen my grief. Inconsistent emotion was the best word to describe it.

One day, I’m okay. The other day I’m super not. I often scheduled out of town outings, foodtrips, movie date, ice cream dates, etc. with friends, for me not to feel the loneliness. Some misunderstood my ways. All they know was I’m already moving on with what happened. I tried but I often failed. The truth? I continued to grieve silently and secretly. I don’t want them to see that I’m having a hard time adjusting with my life. I didn’t realize that I’m doing badly. I never fully allowed myself to feel what I really feel. I speed up the grieving process, no maybe the correct term is I tried to cheat the grieving process. I tried to push away the grief. Anytime I feel like falling apart, I’m escaping reality. Wrong. This worked for a little while, but not for long. Everytime I remember her death, I feel like my chest is going to explode. My mood swing became extreme that it somehow affects my relationship with my loved ones: family, boyfriend and some of my closest friends. I became impatient, sensitive and selfish who only care about what I feel. I often have this wrong emotion that no one really understand me. I became close minded. I took everything that happened negatively. I was so self centered that I expect them to treat me super kindly as possible but I didn’t realize that they were also grieving and feeling the same way that I do. All I know was I need them. I became inconsiderate about their feelings. There’s only ME! ME! ME! attitude. There came a point that I released my emotions in front of my dad when mysiblings and I had a huge misunderstanding. Failed to control my emotions and began to self-piety, I throw away the flowers I bought for my mom and some pillows when my sister and I had an argument. I was crying so hard repeatedly calling mama, dad was so worried. He begged me to calm down and accept that mom’s not here anymore.” I’m still here for you.” , he tearfully said. I felt a bit comforted knowing that I still have a parent who is still there for me. I still have my dad. That day, I slept with a feeling that I still have reasons to go on. But the next day is totally different story. When I came back to Makati,I was alone staring blanks at the roof of my room. That day, I was so seriously depressed, I hurt myself. I was about to do something stupid when my phone beeped and it was dad asking me how I was, did I already eat and a reminder to take good care of myself. Upon reading the message, I cried so hard, feeling so guilty for being weak to manage the pain properly. How could I be so inconsiderate to the people who love me and care so much for me?

Acceptance is the first step: Let go and let God.

That incident is an eye-opener of what I need to do and where should I start. Getting used to being motherless is taking longer than I thought. Even though it’s been months since my mother died, many things still trigger thoughts of her. But I realized that what I’m going through is totally normal. I’ve read many articles about death and grief, joined forums and I approached some of my friends who already went through this kind of situation. One of them told me that there’s no such thing as moving on when you lose your parent, you will only learn to live without them. And I couldn’t agree more.

Some bereaved can manage the pain properly. But some lost theirselves like I did. Depression may be a part of the grieving process. But everyone should see warning signs and try your best to open up to others. Seek for help. Depression kills. Seriously. You need to help yourself too. Acceptance is the first step to move forward. As of this writing, I’m still on the half way of the acceptance stage. But I’m happy there’s a progress. I’m now learning to allow myself to feel the pain. I don’t ignore nor escape it anymore. When I miss her or when I remember her, I cry ‘til I feel ok. And I tell myself “Hey aiz it’s ok! Iyak lang!”.

There is a hope for healing.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. 
- Jeremiah 31:13

On this continuing grief journey, I am learning a lot about the importance of life and the reminder that we should always be prepared for an uncertain future.

Mending my broken heart is not always an easy task. When being strong is the only option. I know that soon, I will be okay, because I have to be. 

I’m not a grief expert who can tell you everything you need to know about death and losing a loved one. I only have my story to share and the lessons and realizations to tell. It’s all for now. My journey is still in progress but someday I will make an article about the complete stage of grieving and healing. I can't preach what I still don't experience. For now, it’s all what can I offer to my readers.

God understands a silent and aching heart that doesn't know the exact words to say to Him. Trust Him. I did. Little by little I’m starting to see a light.

It is apparent that the cancer won the battle against mom. But His promise is greater than that fight. 

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”