There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.
The greatest fear in my life is losing my mom. Last April 24, 2014, it happened unexpectedly and unprepared. Our parents raise and nurture us. We fight, love, laugh and live with them then one day we lose them. Ironic isn't it? But as they say, that’s part of the cycle of life and we have to face it. Death is the end of the journey here on earth. But it is the passport in eternity- for an everlasting and eternal life. We should always be ready to face it.
Start of the Agony
It was Maundy Thursday, year 2013, just after our Visita Iglesia, was the start of my mom's agony. She accidentally bumped in the kitchen sink. As she massaged her stomach, she discovered a lump, which she described bigger like an egg. She sounded very worried when she called me over the phone the next morning. Unfortunately, we have to wait until next week for doctor consultation because it was holy week during that time.
For the first time in my mom's life, she was hospitalized. She stayed there for almost a week. Her pain tolerance was very low. It breaks my heart when I see her in pain. I cried too whenever she cries. I can’t take seeing her crying. They performed a lot of tests and sadly, the lump in her stomach was cancer positive: Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. We were all saddened by the result. We didn't inform mom yet about her condition because she has a heart disease. So, we have to wait for the best time to tell her.
When we went home, she immediately called the one who always do the perming of her hair. She was not aware and she was shocked that she has to go through series of chemotherapy and will lose her hair. :( She loves her hair so much and as a daughter, I know what she's going to feel.
What would you feel if someone tells you that you have cancer? When my siblings explained to mom the result of the tests, acceptance was hard to do. At first, mom was too weak emotionally but with the help of the people around her: us, priest, doctors, relatives and friends; she faced the situation courageously and see it instead as challenge of her faith to God.
The Battle with Cancer
It was Maundy Thursday, year 2013, just after our Visita Iglesia, was the start of my mom's agony. She accidentally bumped in the kitchen sink. As she massaged her stomach, she discovered a lump, which she described bigger like an egg. She sounded very worried when she called me over the phone the next morning. Unfortunately, we have to wait until next week for doctor consultation because it was holy week during that time.
For the first time in my mom's life, she was hospitalized. She stayed there for almost a week. Her pain tolerance was very low. It breaks my heart when I see her in pain. I cried too whenever she cries. I can’t take seeing her crying. They performed a lot of tests and sadly, the lump in her stomach was cancer positive: Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. We were all saddened by the result. We didn't inform mom yet about her condition because she has a heart disease. So, we have to wait for the best time to tell her.
When we went home, she immediately called the one who always do the perming of her hair. She was not aware and she was shocked that she has to go through series of chemotherapy and will lose her hair. :( She loves her hair so much and as a daughter, I know what she's going to feel.
What would you feel if someone tells you that you have cancer? When my siblings explained to mom the result of the tests, acceptance was hard to do. At first, mom was too weak emotionally but with the help of the people around her: us, priest, doctors, relatives and friends; she faced the situation courageously and see it instead as challenge of her faith to God.
The Battle with Cancer
She completed 9 cycles of chemotherapy. I remembered all the sufferings she went through during those times. Chemo side effects during the 1st week after the chemo were not really good. You will feel nauseous, weak, etc. Mom suffered immensely. :( But we were all hopeful that these sufferings were all worth it because she will be able to recover soon. After 6 chemotheraphy sessions, her stomach was cleared from cancer and closed to normal stomach again! YESS! We were super happy. All we know was her health was improving and restoring. I even declared that she was already cancer free. Out of joy, I thanked everyone who prayed for her. How could I forget that moment when I almost jump for happiness, knowing that the lump in my mom's stomach was now cleared? Mom called me that time and she requested me not to post to FB anymore about her condition. She doesn't want people to treat her like disabled/sick person. Orayt. Request granted. I kept everything in private, from there.
After she finished the 6 cycles of chemo, the doctor requested for the PET scan. There's something in her spleen but her stomach was cleared. The doctor now suggested for additional 3 cycles of chemo. What do we know about what's really best for mom? We want to restore her health. With mom's condition, we always believe what the doctor says. He's the specialist. With the apparent confidence he had during the first consultation, we truly have faith in him too.
She completed the treatment. I didn't expect that the end of the chemo was the start of a new agony again!
Her leg started to cramped. It started with a simple leg pain, which we thought was some bad side effect of the chemo. But it became worse day by day. She cried in pain, every day and night. The pain was so intense.
Everytime I go home, during my day-offs, I always go back in Makati with a heavy heart. It's not easy to see your mom crying in pain but you can't do anything to take it all away. It was a tough feeling. When I'm massaging her legs whenever her cramps attacked her, I can't help but cry too. I can't feel what she feels physically, but my heart was breaking every time I see her that way. Simple cramp in the feet sucks, what more with the legs. I know it was really painful. :( oh mom! Now I remember again those times that I have to go outside your room and cry or when I have to close my ears because I don't want to hear you in pain and cry silently when I'm beside you in bed! :(
The doctor performed some tests again to know the root cause of her extensive leg cramps. Spine was affected by the non-Hodgkin lymphoma. The cancer metastasized. She underwent some series of radiation therapy. In God's grace, she was able to walk close to normal for weeks including in her 64th birthday party - her last birthday celebration on earth. I thank all the people who attended in my mom's party. You made her all happy during that time.
After she finished the 6 cycles of chemo, the doctor requested for the PET scan. There's something in her spleen but her stomach was cleared. The doctor now suggested for additional 3 cycles of chemo. What do we know about what's really best for mom? We want to restore her health. With mom's condition, we always believe what the doctor says. He's the specialist. With the apparent confidence he had during the first consultation, we truly have faith in him too.
She completed the treatment. I didn't expect that the end of the chemo was the start of a new agony again!
Her leg started to cramped. It started with a simple leg pain, which we thought was some bad side effect of the chemo. But it became worse day by day. She cried in pain, every day and night. The pain was so intense.
Everytime I go home, during my day-offs, I always go back in Makati with a heavy heart. It's not easy to see your mom crying in pain but you can't do anything to take it all away. It was a tough feeling. When I'm massaging her legs whenever her cramps attacked her, I can't help but cry too. I can't feel what she feels physically, but my heart was breaking every time I see her that way. Simple cramp in the feet sucks, what more with the legs. I know it was really painful. :( oh mom! Now I remember again those times that I have to go outside your room and cry or when I have to close my ears because I don't want to hear you in pain and cry silently when I'm beside you in bed! :(
The doctor performed some tests again to know the root cause of her extensive leg cramps. Spine was affected by the non-Hodgkin lymphoma. The cancer metastasized. She underwent some series of radiation therapy. In God's grace, she was able to walk close to normal for weeks including in her 64th birthday party - her last birthday celebration on earth. I thank all the people who attended in my mom's party. You made her all happy during that time.
Weeks after her birthday, the traitor disease attacked again. Small lump in the scalp of the head appeared, and it increases its size continuously day by day. They did necessary tests to find out if its cancer positive and sadly, it was. “Again?”. The feeling that you want to complain to God why it was happening to her! Everyone knows my mom is a person with a big heart. She doesn't deserve it. Her bone marrow was also checked if it was affected by non-hodgkin lymphoma. The result was good but the test was a painful procedure.
After a couple of weeks, her spine at the back started to experience extreme pain. She was not able to walk normally again. Standing became difficult for her. The doctor told us that it was due to compression fracture.
The radiation therapy for the lump in hear scalp began. We noticed that another small lump in the area appeared. The doctor included it in the therapy but she wasn't able to finish the treatment because her WBC dropped.
April 05, 2014; I was in Batangas for my company outing, my sister sent me a message informing me that mom was confined in the hospital again. She was down with pneumonia. Colds doubled her sufferings because every time she coughs, her back aches more. Plus the sad news that there was blood in her urine and they will do tests again to find out if the cancer metastasizes too in the kidney or other part of her body. I can't help but cry that night because I knew that mom was in pain again!
Her last couple of days was spent at the hospital. The doctor advised to limit the visitors because of her weak immune system. She stayed there for 20 days. Imagine how many needles were inserted to her veins. When I was there, I let her pinch me to minimize the pain she feels whenever they insert needles.
After a couple of weeks, her spine at the back started to experience extreme pain. She was not able to walk normally again. Standing became difficult for her. The doctor told us that it was due to compression fracture.
The radiation therapy for the lump in hear scalp began. We noticed that another small lump in the area appeared. The doctor included it in the therapy but she wasn't able to finish the treatment because her WBC dropped.
April 05, 2014; I was in Batangas for my company outing, my sister sent me a message informing me that mom was confined in the hospital again. She was down with pneumonia. Colds doubled her sufferings because every time she coughs, her back aches more. Plus the sad news that there was blood in her urine and they will do tests again to find out if the cancer metastasizes too in the kidney or other part of her body. I can't help but cry that night because I knew that mom was in pain again!
Her last couple of days was spent at the hospital. The doctor advised to limit the visitors because of her weak immune system. She stayed there for 20 days. Imagine how many needles were inserted to her veins. When I was there, I let her pinch me to minimize the pain she feels whenever they insert needles.
Last Moment with Mom
April 21, 2014: my day-off. I arrived at the hospital and witnessed one of the faith healers they consulted praying for my mother. We considered all the options for the possibility of her health restoration. The cancer metastasized already and some doctor gave prognosis of 3-6 months. When you love someone, you will do everything just to save them from sufferings and lengthen their life. There were different versions regarding the root cause of my mom’s suffering: The first faith healer said my mom was cursed because someone is jealous and insecure of her. But according to the other faith healer, who saw the white flower in her ritual which means mom’s death on the day of her death, it was a genetic disease and it’s really a pure cancer (which I believed among all the version). Two of mom’s siblings suffered from cancer. My tito (uncle) who died from cancer and my tita (auntie) who was a cancer survivor. But the last faith healer they consulted told us that she was under the spell of a witch craft. But whatever the real cause of my mom’s sufferings, she’s now gone. And there’s no way to have her back. One thing is for sure, she is now in better hand and place - living in peace praising the Lord- in Heaven.
April 21, 2014: my day-off. I arrived at the hospital and witnessed one of the faith healers they consulted praying for my mother. We considered all the options for the possibility of her health restoration. The cancer metastasized already and some doctor gave prognosis of 3-6 months. When you love someone, you will do everything just to save them from sufferings and lengthen their life. There were different versions regarding the root cause of my mom’s suffering: The first faith healer said my mom was cursed because someone is jealous and insecure of her. But according to the other faith healer, who saw the white flower in her ritual which means mom’s death on the day of her death, it was a genetic disease and it’s really a pure cancer (which I believed among all the version). Two of mom’s siblings suffered from cancer. My tito (uncle) who died from cancer and my tita (auntie) who was a cancer survivor. But the last faith healer they consulted told us that she was under the spell of a witch craft. But whatever the real cause of my mom’s sufferings, she’s now gone. And there’s no way to have her back. One thing is for sure, she is now in better hand and place - living in peace praising the Lord- in Heaven.
I remembered 3 nights before she died, we did our group prayer. She led by singing the Lord's prayer, we were holding each other's hands. At the end of the song, she loudly prayed "Jesus, sana po pagalingan yu ku po at dinan pang makabang biye.” (Jesus please heal me and give me a longer life). This is the main reason why it was hard for me to let her go. Because I knew in my heart how she fight for her life and how she still wants to be with us, live longer, help other people and serve the Lord.
That night, we were all awake because she was shouting in pain. My sisters were at her side and praying and I was at the sofa crying and covering my ears. I don’t want to hear her moan. It was breaking my heart. I can’t go at her side because I’m too weak to see her that way. I was silently praying begging God to take away the pains. I slept with tears in my eyes. When I woke up, my heart was so at peace to see her smiling. She seems fine. Did God answer my prayer? My sister told me that mom was already in morphine drip. I don’t know about this thing, but upon researching and asking my nurse friends, it was a drug- used for extreme pain.
Morphine is an opiate narcotic known to be one of the strongest narcotics available for people experiencing excessive and intolerable pain. A person may receive a morphine drip after a major surgery, if they are terminally ill, or if they are receiving painful treatments. Because of the strength and dependency issues, morphine drips are recommended only for acute pain, not for chronic pain. Morphine is known to be the most addictive of the pain management narcotics and for this reason should be used with extra care. Someone who is terminally ill may require a morphine drip to control pain that the medical community may be unable to remove by other means. Because of the terminal condition, the morphine drip's addictive qualities can be overlooked in some cases. It is fast-acting, giving relief almost immediately after entrance to the body. Many patients that have recently had major surgery are given a morphine drip because the patient has control over how much pain medication is administered. The patient can hit a button to release more morphine as needed. It also can be set up to release a maximum amount per hour to ensure a continuous flow of morphine without experiencing any ups and downs in the amount ingested. There are ways to restrict the total amount with a lock-out on a certain number of milligrams per minutes to prevent an overdose being requested by any patient. This lock-out amount differs for every person and in each case and should be watched carefully by a professional. Because morphine has the ability to depress the respiratory system, it can be dangerous if too much is administered and can even shut down the body and cause death. Family members and patients must be sure that these lock-out amounts are acceptable and any effects are understood in advance. (reference.com)
During my stay at the hospital, she was reminding me to take good care of myself. I was slightly coughing that time and she said “Manguku na ka eka pa sasaling panulu, ot paburen mu ing sarili mu.” (You’re already coughing and yet you are not taking any meds, why are you not taking good care of yourself?”) It was really hard losing your mother because you will forever miss this kind of reminders.
April 22, 2014: Gelo’s (my boyfriend) family visited mom in the hospital.
Finally, mom was able to meet them. Sadly, it was their last meeting.
She wasn’t able to cook for them. One of the things I’ll miss about mom is her hospitality whenever we have visitors. Eventhough she’s not feeling well, she will still cook a lot of food for the guests.
Gelo’s mom told her to get well soon because she will still accompany me walking in the aisle in my wedding day. It hurts me so much knowing that she will not be there physically anymore with all the coming stages in my life: Getting married, having children and succeed in life.
She was smiling when we were about to go. If only I knew that it would be the last day I'll see her smile..
“I love you ma! Pagaling ka hah (Get well soon!)”.- The last words I told her when she’s still awake.. I just felt right now that the kiss I gave her that time was a kiss saying goodbye forever. Darn!
April 23, 2014- Received good news. Mom will go home soon, maybe in 3-5 days. My sister asked me to look for private nurse because we need it for mom’s condition. The next day, everything that happened was really unexpected.
End of the Battle
Last thursday, April 24, 2014, the phone kept on ringing aggressively. I woke up with the call around 06:00 am, I was really nervous hearing my sister's voice. My mom was in the ICU and I have to go home as soon as possible. I was quite shocked because I thought she would be out of the hospital in 3-5 days. The cry of my sister bothered me. The faith healer told her that she already saw the white flower in her ritual, which means mom's end of life. According to her, Mom's just waiting for someone very special to her heart before leaving, which we think was kuya whom she's referring. I called my boss right after and told them I'll be on emergency leave and then I immediately packed my things but I decided to bring clothes that I can use for only 2 days because I was in a deep hope that she will be fine. My phone rang again and my older sister, Amy, talked to me and informed me that the doctor told them that the chance of surviving is very low and we should be prepared for the possible loss. I began to feel the pain and I started crying hard and loudly. I was begging God "Please.. Please Lord! Save my mom. Please..".
My boyfriend accompanied me at the hospital in Pampanga. He was cheering me up while we're on our way there and made my hope of God saving mom was increased. Miracles happen right? I was forcing myself to have faith even though the fear of losing her was consuming my thoughts.
08:55 am, I immediately ran at the ICU but unfortunately, it was closed. We were asked to wait for 30 minutes. I went to the room because we were going to discuss things. Dad, my 2 brothers and 2 sisters were there. My oldest brother was on the phone. Dad was trying to be strong. He keeps on telling me that my mom was tired already and she deserves to have a rest. I don't want to accept things. They were all preparing theirselves and ready to surrender mom to God. And me? I'm still the stubborn and selfish kid- I don't want to give up mom! I was asking her to fight! Please mom.. don't leave us! God please! I'm begging you! Send a miracle!
Around 09:30 am, we were allowed to go to the ICU room, my cousin ate Jul accompanied me. I was not prepared to see her that way. If only I can do ways to wake her up and to take away all her sufferings, but there are things in life that only God can. I wasn't able to go inside because I broke down. I saw mom was not awake and there were 4 nurses inside. My heart crushed. Ran outside shouting in tears. My sister-in-law and my cousin comforted me.
I went back to the room and inform them that we were now allowed to go inside. My sister Amy brought the phone, my oldest brother Dennis will to talk to mom.
As I enter in the ICU, my heart was beating so fast and I can't hold my tears. Mom was still alive, fighting but not awake. Seeing your mother in this kind of situation- it's super heartbreaking. Mom can still hear us as per the nurses, I whispered all 3 things I want to tell her. I didn't ask for anything. I simply said: Thank you, Sorry and I love you so much. The room was filled with emotions and hope. I kissed her; I held her hands that were already cold and starting to look pale. Why is this happening so soon? Mixed emotions. It was so hard to accept. Tears fell down and there's no magic word to stop it.
After my two sisters' turn to talk to mom, we called my oldest brother Dennis to tell mom what he wants to say over the phone. My brother was crying really hard asking for forgiveness for all the wrong things he had done in his life. He kept telling mom that no matter what happens, he would go home soon. He just needs to fix things in abroad. (personal matter).
After hearing my brother's message, we have noticed that her blood pressure began to shutdown, from 60/30 became 40/20. Seems like she really just waited for my brother. We went back to the room because visiting hours were over. We were all worried but we can't do anything but to wait and pray.
Suddenly, around 02:10 pm, the phone in the room rang. My heart starts beating fast again, and I had a feeling mom was not in the good condition. And I was right. My sister's facial reaction tells it all.
We ran really fast, we were in a rush. My sister was the only allowed to enter. She saw the nurses reviving mom. Together with my nieces, we went to the chapel: all begging, crying, and bargaining Jesus to give her a second life. I was loudly praying "LORD PLEASE! We are begging you! Send us a miracle. Please save mom! We beg!". All in tears.
2:15 pm, The doctor asked my father if we still want to continue reviving mom. He suggested to just simply stop the reviving process to end mom's suffering. I loudly said "NO!". As per him, they are trying to revive mom for almost 10 minutes, they are doing their very best but she was not responding anymore. Dad asked if the revival would make a difference and what's the percentage of surviving death. The doctor answered "very little". It will only lengthen her sufferings.
You know why is it hard to surrender her? It is because I know in my heart, that she still wants to live. We saw how she strive hard to fight with cancer. Even the doctor and the nurses were amused by her bravery.
The doctor then allowed all of us to go to mom's room in ICU. Her breath only relies on the manual pumping of oxygen. At that very moment, the only hope left you will depend on to is miracle. Until her last breath, I didn't give up my FAITH. I was kissing her hands, hugging her body, praying silently. "Mom don't give up! Please fight for us!". I know she tried her best to fight. But her body already collapsed. Before her last heartbeat, we were singing the Lord's prayer, holding each other hands. At exactly 02:35 pm, mom passed away. The saddest day ever. I lost the most important person in my life.
Ecclesiastes 12:7. "Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it."
