The Loss, The Pain and The Regrets

Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

….  When I saw them covering mom’s dead body in white blanket, all I wish was it is all a dream. I can’t tell the exact description of what I felt during that time because part of me literally became numb of crying. I want to shout at the top of my lungs just to release the emotions but seem like something was stuck in my throat.

Feelings of bitterness began crowding out my mind. I can’t stop questioning the Lord why so soon.  It’s not fair, I thought. I want to complain. I want to get mad. I’m like a child having hard feelings with her parent because her request is not granted.  “Lord, with just one word, she will be healed. You are so powerful, you can save her and still give her a chance to be with us longer, why didn’t you?”

When we left the hospital, the pain continues to contaminate our hearts. We all want to go home immediately, wept and break down but there were a lot of things that need to do first such as settle the hospital bill, death certificate requirements, coordinate to the funeral parlor the things we need for the interment.

While we’re on the car, they remembered the last week before she passed away; they already planned to buy burial clothes for her because there was Filipino pamahiin/superstition that it lengthens the life of someone who has terminal disease. Funny because we don’t actually believe that, but we planned to do it. Nothing to lose if we follow the advice of some, we all thought. It’s how desperate we were. Unfortunately, we were not able to try it because of her sudden death.

Before going to the funeral parlor, we went to a shop and bought a simple but elegant Filipiniana, matching with pearl earrings. I couldn't hold my tears realizing that it would be the last time I pick clothes for my mom. So sad that I can no longer do the one thing I do for her randomly: buy clothes for her, especially when there’s occasion. Since my first salary, she never accepted money from me. “Dinan meng ditak i tatang mu and tipunan mu nalamu para keka “. Give some to your dad instead and save some money for you. Then, I remembered the conversation we had when I graduated from highschool. I promised her that she’ll always have new set of clothes when I begin to work after college. My promise was not broken; I buy clothes for her whenever I have extra money. It’s good to see the smile in her face when I go home and tell her.. “Ma, seli dakang malan. Subuk mu nemo if istu ya size.” Ma, I bought you new clothes. Let see if the size I chose is correct. When I buy her more than one, she’ll remind me the value of money. One is enough, she always tells me. And I insist “Minsan lang e.”  Happiness is when I see her wearing the clothes I bought. I will miss teasing her “Yay:3 ako bumili nyan. Ganda ma J”. Being the youngest that have the smallest income among my siblings, even small things like this one matter.

On our way home, the news about the demise of my mother spread quickly. Friends started to call and send messages of sympathy. Letters of condolences seemed to deepen my sorrow that time.

When we reached our house, there were a lot of people waiting outside. Tears filled my eyes as I entered; realizing that from now on, everything will never be the same. The sadness filled over. I immediately ran inside mom’s room and I broke down. My sister Jenn went on the other room and my sister Amy sat on the dining area. The door was closed but I can hear their cries. Every part of the room reminds me of her. The surrounding became very dramatic. I wept. Memories were all that I have. Suddenly they became the most treasured thing in my life.

We went to the funeral parlor to check mom after the embalmment. Is that mom, I asked. Her body, specifically the form of her face changed. The wound in her lips which she had bitten in pain was still visible. It was shown in her face the hardship she went though. She’s not even smiling.

When the coffin arrived in our house, I was sitting at the sofa and I was looking at the area where they are going to put it. Our house was newly painted in white. Before she passed away, she instructed dad to hire someone to fix the ceilings and repaint it with white color. Is it one of her premonitions? L I also remembered her last dream was gathering of many people wearing all whites in a banquet singing a song. Her deceased immediate family members (lolo, tita and tito) were also appearing in her dream so often, almost the whole week before she died. I wished I was more mindful with that.

The first night without her was really hard. Acceptance seems an impossible word. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and when I woke up and checked if it’s all a bad dream, I saw dad at my side and my two brothers were sleeping in the floor. I cried loudly, my dad woke up. Everything was real.He held my hand so tight and even though he didn’t say any words, I knew that he understands what I feel. I forced myself to go back to sleep because sleeping is the best way to escape the reality..

The next day, the sorrow still goes on but it was temporarily overwhelmed because visitors multiplied and grief had only a little space to fill in our mind. I feel well when I’m with people but become very weak when I’m alone. My family advised me not to stay inside the room but when I miss mom, I go there and faced the consequences- the depression.

Neighbors, Friends, Relatives came to show their support to our family and their love for our deceased mother. We were very grateful to know that my mom touched and influenced so many lives. #prouddaughter. Our family was very thankful to everyone because they helped us to cope somehow at that sad time. The everyday mass serviced by different priests and the pray over of the pastors were also a big help to make acceptance a possible word for us.

I really appreciated all my friends and officemates who called, texted and sent me a message and letter especially those few of them who exert an effort to be at my mom’s wake and burial. To my CF Childhood friends: Van and Casey- who went there almost every night of the wake, Quin and Mike. Lovely,  Gelai, Wei, Jaic and Sep. To my highschool friends: Che, Reya and Allen- as usual. To my college friends Choi, Jake, Mary, Zel and most especially to Paula- the effort to drive from Manila to Pampanga not just once but twice. You guys showed me that distance is not an excuse not to be there for me and at least give me some hugs when I needed it most. Thank you guys! To Father Christian, for telling me the words that I need to hear during the first night. To Gelo- for everything. I don’t want to enumerate those things because couple of pages is needed for those.

My Eulogy

Let me share the eulogy I made for my mom. It was read by my sister after the last mass for her.

What hurts the most?

Yun ung.. andaming stages pa ng buhay ko ang dadaanan ko, pero wala ka na. I want you to be there for me ma. Ihahatid mo pa ako dapat sa altar diba when I get married. Tuturuan mo pa ako mag-alaga ng apat na apo mo sakin.. Makikita mo pa ko na maging successful. Yung tipong ako na magbibigay sa inyo ni tatay ng maraming pera.. Pano na ko ngayon? Ang hirap i-face lahat lahat ng wala ka. Everything will never be the same without you. Wala na kong nanay na tatakbuhan kapag nagkakatampuhan o inaasar ako ng mga kapatid ko.. Wala na kong nanay na gigising ng sobrang aga para lang magising ako at hindi malate sa office. Wala na kong nanay na magluluto kahit anong sama pa ng pakiramdam mo, may maibaon lang ako pagkain pag-uwi ko ng makati. Wala ng nanay na tatawag sakin para komustahin ako pag may sakit ako, magpaalala na uminom ng gamot, kumain sa tamang oras, alagaan ang sarili.. Hanggang sa hospital kahit nakahilata ka na sa bed, you never failed to remind me those. Ma ang hirap hirap lalo. Wala na kameng nanay na mag-aasikaso saming lahat.

Ang sakit sakit palang mawalan ng nanay- the most painful thing I experienced.

Ang hirap hirap gumising sa umaga na marerealized mo na hindi pala panaginip lahat to- wala ka na pala talaga.

Kung minsan hindi ko mapigilang kwestyunin si Lord  " Bakit ganito kaaga. Hindi ko sha pinagdadamot sayo kasi alam ko ikaw ung mas nagmamahal sakanya.. Mas magiging masaya sya sa tabi mo.. kasi with you, he will no longer experience the pains she felt here.. Pero Lord, kayang kaya mo naman tanggalin lahat ng mga sakit na nararamdaman nya e.. With just one word, she will be healed. Isang salita mo lang Lord. Pero bakit hindi mo ginawa.."

Pero sabi nga nila, everything happens for a reason.I just need to trust his will lang siguro. Pero lolokohin ko lang ung sarili ko ngayon if sasabihin kong tanggap ko na nangyari. Hindi pa. Pero in time, soon.. tis pain of losing her will be healed.  Magiging okay din ako. Alam kong mas magiging masaya sha na makita un.

Your love for us will always remain in our hearts. Nawala ka man, lagi ka lang nandito sa puso naming lahat..

My Regrets

The last time I saw her awake, my sister and I talked about my mandatory leave and I agreed to spend all those days for mom. Just when I thought that it was time to spend more time with her- this happens.  I should realized earlier that in cancer, time is measured in moments- not days/months/years.

I was simply "too busy". While I was caring for having a better life, I missed the things I need to do for my mother. I regret not calling her as often as I can- over the times she and I have failed to communicate. I feel the loss of what was or what could have been- with the realization that mom would now longer be there for me.

Whenever I look back, I want to hit my head for being so confident that she will be healed. Death never crossed my mind! I didn't even consider the possibility (even a little). If only I can turn back time, I will do the things that she wants me to do for her. I will spend more quality time with her. Show her how much I love her. Assure her I'll be okay with my life. I will try my best to be the daughter that she deserves to have.

We have chance to be prepared, but we never did. I am currently living with regrets.

I was there for her during my day offs, but I felt that it was never enough. I know I can do more for her.

I am not really into cooking, but cooking is her passion, I wish I forced myself to try at least. We lost the best cook in our family. I will forever miss her specialties: Embutido, Arellenong Bangus, Pininyahang manok, Tinolang manok, Gelatin, Cornstarch and even the simple Patola soup with egg (my favorite) which she often cook just for me when our meal is Paksiw na isda or Bulanglang na Bangus because she knows I don't like those.

When someone is gone in your life, all the WHAT IF’s are automatic to run in your mind.

After the loss, my imagination went so far that I reach even the unattainable things.

If someone will give me the opportunity of being anything in this world, I choose to be a doctor- my dream when I was 4 years old. Maybe if I was, I detected mom’s disease in early stage or anything to lengthen her life. Seriously, what if I pursue that dream? Will I be more health conscious and will discover mom’s cancer earlier? Will I save her life?

What if I prepared myself that mom is dying soon? Will it be easier for me to let her go?

What If I realized earlier that I need to do the things that I need to do as a daughter? Maybe I don’t need to blame myself right now for not doing enough to show my love for her.

What if there’s time machine? What if we have at least two lives in our lifetime?

What if… I always wonder what might have happened if God chosen to grant miraculous healing.

It’s hard to live with regrets. I hope everyone who read my story will realize that life is really short.  Never miss a day without showing your loved ones how much you love them.