Birthday for a Cause

It's my first birthday without my mother. 
"How am I going to celebrate my special day without the woman who gave birth to me and took good care of me in my 26 years of existence?"
 An excellent idea crossed my mind. 
Instead of throwing party for myself, why not use the money in spending or donating it for sick kids.

Let me share with you the steps in planning for a successful birthday for a cause:

•       Research and choose an Orphanage, Charitable Institution or Foundation that you want to support or become involved in.

http://www.charity-charities.org/Philippines-charities/Philippines.html

              >>list of charities in the Philippines

http://www.pcnc.com.ph/ngo-list.php?a=A

              >> list of Certified NGOs.

In my birthday for a cause 2014, I chose Cancer Warriors Foundation Inc.  My mom suffered from cancer and I felt the need to help and serve sick people. It became my advocacy. Missionaries of Charity, Home of joy for the sick children was also in my list. When I was in college, we volunteered and donated toys in this charity. 

•        Think of ways that you can become involved with the charities you have chosen. Call, message or visit them and inquire for important details.

I advise you to at least have a brief knowledge about their mission vision so that you can pattern that to your “birthday for a cause” plans.  Visit their website if there’s any, like their FB page and read articles about them to gain ideas how can you contribute to them.

When I’ve browsed the cancer warriors foundation website (http://cancerwarriorsfoundation.org/) , I immediately called their contact number and they asked me to email all my inquiry.  Because I’m too excited and can’t wait for their email reply, I liked their FB page and exchanged messages to their FB admin. My first idea was to throw a party for the cancer warriors to bring smiles to the sick kids in my special day, but I was informed that there was already a party set on 19^th of July 2014- 1 day before my birthday.  Instead, they invited me to come and be a volunteer in assisting the kids there. Sounds great!  I told myself it’s a better idea. Instead of spending money on party for the kids, why not donate it as a small help to the kids with cancer for their medicines.

 I also called the Missionaries of Charity and ask if we can visit the kids on my birthday but unfortunately that day was not available. The nun asked me for other dates that I prefer to visit so that she can check if it’s available. I chose July 21, after my birthday. Luckily, the date slot was still free. We discussed the children needs, the dos and donts and other regulations. As per her, July is an off-peak season for donations. Instead of receiving toys from donors, they prefer to receive milks and other groceries for the kids.

•       If you can, organize Fundraising Project to increase the money you can give to your chosen charities. More help, the better.  Also ask your family and friends to support your birthday for a cause. You can ask for their financial assistance or any donation in kind such as clothes, groceries, etc.

I have to warn you. In organizing a fundraising event, you have to prepare yourself not only physically, but emotionally as well.  Your time and efforts are so much needed to make it successful  but you also have to strengthen your inner core to accept that not everybody will going to support your advocacy. Some people will praise you and so much willing to help and give but some are not, no matter what their reasons and responses are- respect it. We all have different point of views. They have the choice to give or not to give, to help or not to help. Simple as that.

When I’m doing the fundraising- asking people for donations, I was not comfortable about it. I hate the feeling of asking money from people.  I even cry in the first day of the project. I don’t know if it’s a pride issue. But I pray to God and I heard an immediate answer.  Feels like there’s a voice whispering in my head  “Hey Don’t be discouraged! Always remember why you’re doing it and what makes you do it. Think of the smiles of the kids that you can help in your fundraising project.”. The next day, I was totally inspired and more determined. PUSH! 

Tips for a successful fundraising:

-create a birthday campaign and write a very powerful message to the possible donors. State your advocacy clearly and write it wholeheartedly.

-promote your fundraising using social media such as fb, instagram or tweeter.

-ask your friends and family to help and promote your fundraising project.

-don’t forget to update the donors about the result of their generosity and send them thank you letters.

•       Finalize and list all your plans for your birthday for a cause.

The date in meeting your chosen charity is set. All your donations are now ready. It’s time to think of some ways how to make that day extra ordinary.

Below is the draft agenda I made in our volunteer activities together with my childhood friends  in Missionaries of Charity:

            Missionary of Charity, Home of Joy for the Sick People 

Agenda: 

02:00 pm        Arrival at Missionary of Charity. 
                       Greetings. Introduce group. 
                       Give Donation Supplies. 

02:20 pm        Prayer for the Volunteers                           

02:30 pm        Opening prayer for the activity                  

02:40 pm        Get to know the kids. Introduce selves. 
                       Chat time. Interact with them. 
                       For girls: Fix their hair. Put a headband/clips. 
                       Make them feel better about their selves. 

03:00 pm        Groupings. 
                        Start of activities: (choose any) 
                        -Art works. 
                             *Coloring activities 
                             *Interpret drawing 
                             *Teach them how to make origami. 
                        -Ask them to show their talents. 
                                *Sing and dance with them. 
                                *Praise them. 
                        -Teach them how to pray. 
                        -Read them fairy tale/story telling. 
                                -ipad/ visuals 
                        -Games 
                                     *rubber games: 10/20, etc. 
                                *stop dance 
                                *paper dance game 
                                *etc. 

04:00 pm        Dinner 
                        Ask kids if anyone have birthday on this month. 
                                *if any, ask the group to sing happy birthday 
                                 -blow cakes and make wishes with them. 
                        Food trip. 

05:00 pm        Ask them to write letters 
                -message 
                -dreams 
                -wishlist 

05:20 pm        Distribute loombands. 

05:25 pm        Closing prayer                                 
                Messages to the kids. 
                Messages from kids. 

•        Don’t forget to tell the charity how grateful you are for having a birthday for a Cause.

I wrote a thank you letter for each charities I've chosen expressing my gratitude for the opportunity to do good deeds and help sick children.

The feeling is priceless. I have learned a lot from all this experience. My only goal is to help sick children in my birthday but I didn’t expect that I also promote the importance of charity works and able to inspire others. I received a lot of compliments and messages from unexpected people that they also want to join me in my advocacy and was inspired with what I’m doing. All my efforts, sacrifices for this project and everything I did were all worth it :’>

Share Your Blessings

Dear friends and family,

As you all know, my mom passed away last April 24, 2014 due to cancer. My birthday is coming this July 20. It's my first birthday without my mother and I feel so devastated. I recently suffered from depression and in my healing process, I feel the need to help other sick people. I am not that financially stable to donate a lot of money they need but I can give my free time in doing what I can do for them. We have schedule on July 21, 2014, for volunteering at Missionary of Charity, Home of Joy for sick people. We will organize an event that will cater activities to make those kids appreciate their life inspite of their condition. In this way, we can try and bring a little smile on the face of these children who have suffered a lot in life.  I just want to bring joy to those fighters and warriors like my mother.

I also want to donate funds that can help them with their everyday needs such as medicines, foods like milk, cerelac, etc. I am trying to raise as much money as possible.

Thus, I am making a humble request to you to try and help us out in any possible way, be it money or through providing services, donating clothes for kids or foods. Hence, this is a sincere plea to you to help us. 

With the help of your assistance, the organization will be able to support a large number of sick children. Your small donation today can help make a big difference in their lives. 

Any amount or any kind of donation will be highly appreciated as long as it is coming from your heart. 

“True charity is the desire to be useful to others without the thought of recompense” – Emanuel Swedenborg.

You can reach me at my email address: aiza.medina@yahoo.com

or send me a message in my facebook acount. 

Thank you very much for considering a donation for this noble cause.

Yours faithfully,

Aiza Reyes Medina

About the organizations: 

Your donations will go to two of my chosen charities.

1. The Cancer Warriors Foundation

It is the fulfillment of a promise ---- a promise made by a 19 year old boy (James Auste), as he himself was battling brain cancer. A promise that every Filipino child, stricken with cancer, especially the poor and disadvantaged, will have an equal chance to conquer cancer and to avail of cancer treatments. 

Mission

F acilitating increased awareness and understanding of childhood cancers, with emphasis on early detection, proper management and care. 

I nitiating programs and activities that will inspire cancer patients, survivors and their families, that there is hope and life, even with cancer.

G enerating support and pro-active involvement of various sectors in information/education/communication (IEC), and advocacy, especially on childhood cancers. 

H elping ensure that poor and impoverished children with cancer will have access to timely and appropriate diagnosis, proper treatment and quality care.

T aking the lead in building and strengthening linkages and encouraging resource – sharing, between and among local and international groups, involved in cancer prevention and care.The Cancer Warriors Foundation is engaged in innovative programs and activities to bring across its message and challenge: LET'S HELP KIDS BEAT CANCER.

for more details of the organization, please visit http://cancerwarriorsfoundation.org

2. The “Missionaries of Charity Home of Joy for the sick Children” 

It is the order of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta that serve the poorest of the poor and caters to special children, those with Down's syndrome, hydrocephalous, and the like.  

If you want, you can make a direct donation to them. 

For The Cancer Warriors Foundation, you can send a message at their FB page or email them at cancerwarriorsph@gmail.com for inquiry. 

For The “Missionaries of Charity Home of Joy for the sick Children”, you can visit them at 1030 Tayuman Street, Tondo, Manila. Their telephone number is (+632) 255-0832 and the contact person is Sister Anselm. 

Letting Go and Letting God

This article is about my grief journey.

How I failed and survived.

I wish that it will encourage anyone who is grieving and hurting.

The following is based on my experience.

Yours might be completely different,

but I’ll bet most of you can find some sort of similarities.

Our feelings are universal.

Different stories/scenarios.

Bottom line, it’s all painful.

I salute everyone who survived the grieving process.

Let’s all be strong and pray for each other.

To those whom not yet suffered a loss, I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say that can prepare you for it.  But always remember that no matter what happens, there is always a hope for complete healing. There will be a day when negative emotions will subside.

                           

Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you
will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” - John 16:22

They say that the hardest part of the bereavement is the after-burial day. I confirmed that this is true- when you have to go back to your daily life and you know that you have to face big changes in your life. It hurts knowing that I’m going to wake up every day and the first thing that come to my mind is my mother is now gone and will never be here physically forever, how can I live without her? She’s dead and I want her back! It’s like a morning sky without the sun. At the start of facing life without her- darkness seems to be never ending.

April 29, 2014 After the interment, we all returned in our house with broken hearts. The ambiance was still as sad as the first day of her death. Knowing that there would always be someone missing from our table from now on devastated me. Even though I promised myself to let her go, I wasn't able to do it the way I expected it to be. Goodbye seems to be the hardest word.

After praying the rosary with the rest of my family, a butterfly was waiting outside the room. It was a smaller butterfly which looked exactly the same as the butterfly who died in the funeral. Co-inicidence? I was really amazed. 

Maybe it’s a symbol of mom’s soul experiencing the promise of Easter. As they say, butterfly is a symbol of life and hope. The butterfly can be seen as the insect that dies as a caterpillar, buried in the cocoon for a length of time, and emerges in a new life- that as a creature who has the ability to transcend the ordinary and take flight into the heavens. In many spiritual circles, the butterfly represents the spirit or soul. (hubpages.com)

I requested for an extra vacation leaves from work to spend more time with my family. I felt like I can’t still go back to the city to live my life, I need an extra days to prepare myself for my everyday routine.

The first occasion without mom

It’s our family usual practice to go to my dad’s relatives during their fiesta. As a part of moving on, dad decided to attend. There’s pain in my chest as I was looking at left side part of the car where mom usually sits, she’s not there anymore. I tried to fight the memories that keep on recurring. The dinner was served. No more mom to unwrap shells of shrimp and crab for me. #mejospoiled

Facing the emptiness that nothing can seem to fill.

3 days additional leaves were over. My sister’s going back to USA and I need to go back to Makati for my work. We had our first family dinner in the mall without mom. Her absence causes a feeling of incompleteness. </3

                        

Before they accompanied my sister in the airport, they dropped me to the Bus station. You know the feeling that you are assessing yourself and you sensed that you’re not yet ready to face the coming days. As I was sitting in the bus, I can’t stop my mind from remembering mom- Her face, her smile, the last moment with her. My tears were falling continuously. For the first time after her death, I finally felt her presence. Everytime I’m trying to sleep, she’s appearing in my mind. I knew she’s with me at that particular moment. When I was already at my unit that night, I dreamt about her. She was in extreme pain in a hospital scene; I was panicking then suddenly the scenario changed; she stands up, smiled at me and told me that she now feels well. Then I realized that maybe mom was already tired and so much in pain, and Jesus invited her to come home and she went. How could I be so selfish wanting her so bad to get back here on earth? She’s now living with Jesus. She’s now my angel. One day I’ll see her in heaven.

I just wished that acceptance was as simple as that. When you lost your mother, you feel as if you've lost a part of your very own self. It’s hard. God knows how much I’m tormented everyday. No matter how I tried to be stronger as I should be, I still failed. Yes, I lost myself in the grieving process.

I’ve been through a lot of heartaches in my life and this one is the worst. When I lost my ex 2 years ago, mom knew how much I suffered. She saw me cried almost everyday- paying for all the mistakes I’ve done in my life. I even told her that it was the most painful thing I experienced in my existence. And now, I lost her. It broke the record. The pain of losing my her is double, triple.. or can I say that no amount of pain will be greater than this.

I made my body as my journal and my story was written in it. My first tattoo was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. A bible verse that made me goes on in life after experiencing a tremendous pain. My second tattoo was the signature of my mom. I want to carry her name for the rest of my life- whatever I do and wherever I go. Life with ink? Please don’t judge.

                       

                               

                       

In the days that followed her death, I managed to look okay when I’m with people. I joined the conversation in the office like a normal person, I laughed with jokes, smiled at them, talked like the way I was before my mom’s passing, post and interact in social networks. But the truth is I was not okay. I was in deep grief. The only solution I considered to function well in my workplace and in everyday life was to escape the reality. Everytime I remember her, I close my eyes and set up my mind that she is still alive; she is at home doing the things she do everyday while I am working in the City- then magic- sadness is vanishing little by little. Escaping reality became a habit. I made it a remedy. But, it’s not always successful. 

There were random times that everything is flashing back, over and over again, seems there’s no way to stop it.

-I was in my way home when the moment she’s dying popped up in my mind. I couldn't help it. My tears began to flow. The passengers started staring at me; maybe wondering what I’m going through.

-I hid in my office rest room so that no one could see my tears. Get used to quite sobbing just to release my negative emotions.

-I woke up and greeted “Good morning Papa Jesus, Good morning Mama!”. I thought I was doing a great start of the day but then sadness consumed it all, followed by a bad cry.

-Insomniac nights. I had trouble sleeping. My mind was so active, thoughts about her was persistent.
-Sounds OA, but I had an emotional throwback during the scene of the death of Gwen Stacy in Spiderman. I almost broke down in the cinema. My boyfriend was so worried; he didn’t know how to stop me from crying. The feeling that you can’t do anything to save the life of the one you love to keep her alive.

-I had a skin allergy all over my face due to stress as per my doctor, plus my two wisdom teeth were removed. I was about to dial her number, the thought of calling mom to tell her about it- then I realized that she’s now in heaven, far away where my phone calls can reach. This kind of event makes me miss her most. No more phone call conversation about complains in life, health updates and her constant reminders and sermon to take good care of myself!

-There was one time that I was alone in my work shift. I was staring at my mobile phone then suddenly a tsunami of sorrows attacked me. I remembered all the random phone calls of mom. I was craving for her voice so much! I cried like a baby.

-The old photographs bring back old memories. Make me miss her more.

-I was having a bad day and I inexplicably wanting my mother, I picture her calling me asking me how I was. My boyfriend came in to check on me, I was on my room sobbing uncontrollably because no ways became effective in escaping the real situation. A voice keeps shouting in my head “She’s now gone!”. And I felt like a loser.

-The Eucharistic mass part-singing “The Lord’s Prayer” is very significant to me. It makes me feel that I was with my mom, holding her hands. Up to now, there’s no moment that I don’t cry when I sing/hear this prayer.

-Often, I found it hard to concentrate. I have the habit of releasing my emotions thru writing. I wanted to write this heavy sadness and I ended up with this blog, writing down the story of her death. I want to share it to people and remind them to take good care of their loved ones while they still have time to do so.

-The pain was so intense that I consulted a psychotherapist but can’t afford to maintain therapy- so expensive. I was so desperate- I want them to give me something to take the pain away.

- Going home without her is like a moon without the stars. It is when I go home when I remember mama best. I can picture her in my mind in every corner of our house. As I enter, she is sitting in our dining area. The smile in her face when she sees me is one of the things I will miss about her then I reach her hand to put in my forehead (pagmamano-sign of respect to elders). “Mengan na ka?” Did you eat already?- The question that she will never missed to ask first. We have a short chatting time while she’s in the dining table sharing latest updates about me, if there is any. When I volunteer to wash the dishes, she always asks me to leave the casserole because she wants to wash it thoroughly; she knows I always failed to do that. I remember her walking around the garden and watering her orchids, roses and other plants.

-My grief was most evident on special occasions. May 11, 2014- Motherless in Mother’s day. I was so envious to everyone who had their moms to buy for flowers/gifts and to spend the day with them. I know that I should be thankful for all Mother’s day I did have. But it makes me so sad that I don’t have her anymore for all the Mother’s days to come.

Happy Mother's Day mom!

Everyday seems to be “same fight, different day”. I went through rollercoaster of emotions. Up. Down. Up. Down. I’ve tried my very best everyday just to keep myself busy. Just to comfort myself. Just to block out anything that would intensify the pain. But there were uncontrollable times when I begin to make progress, the memories suddenly flashback. The wounds that begin to heal reopen again. The days that followed failed to lessen my grief. Inconsistent emotion was the best word to describe it.

One day, I’m okay. The other day I’m super not. I often scheduled out of town outings, foodtrips, movie date, ice cream dates, etc. with friends, for me not to feel the loneliness. Some misunderstood my ways. All they know was I’m already moving on with what happened. I tried but I often failed. The truth? I continued to grieve silently and secretly. I don’t want them to see that I’m having a hard time adjusting with my life. I didn’t realize that I’m doing badly. I never fully allowed myself to feel what I really feel. I speed up the grieving process, no maybe the correct term is I tried to cheat the grieving process. I tried to push away the grief. Anytime I feel like falling apart, I’m escaping reality. Wrong. This worked for a little while, but not for long. Everytime I remember her death, I feel like my chest is going to explode. My mood swing became extreme that it somehow affects my relationship with my loved ones: family, boyfriend and some of my closest friends. I became impatient, sensitive and selfish who only care about what I feel. I often have this wrong emotion that no one really understand me. I became close minded. I took everything that happened negatively. I was so self centered that I expect them to treat me super kindly as possible but I didn’t realize that they were also grieving and feeling the same way that I do. All I know was I need them. I became inconsiderate about their feelings. There’s only ME! ME! ME! attitude. There came a point that I released my emotions in front of my dad when mysiblings and I had a huge misunderstanding. Failed to control my emotions and began to self-piety, I throw away the flowers I bought for my mom and some pillows when my sister and I had an argument. I was crying so hard repeatedly calling mama, dad was so worried. He begged me to calm down and accept that mom’s not here anymore.” I’m still here for you.” , he tearfully said. I felt a bit comforted knowing that I still have a parent who is still there for me. I still have my dad. That day, I slept with a feeling that I still have reasons to go on. But the next day is totally different story. When I came back to Makati,I was alone staring blanks at the roof of my room. That day, I was so seriously depressed, I hurt myself. I was about to do something stupid when my phone beeped and it was dad asking me how I was, did I already eat and a reminder to take good care of myself. Upon reading the message, I cried so hard, feeling so guilty for being weak to manage the pain properly. How could I be so inconsiderate to the people who love me and care so much for me?

Acceptance is the first step: Let go and let God.

That incident is an eye-opener of what I need to do and where should I start. Getting used to being motherless is taking longer than I thought. Even though it’s been months since my mother died, many things still trigger thoughts of her. But I realized that what I’m going through is totally normal. I’ve read many articles about death and grief, joined forums and I approached some of my friends who already went through this kind of situation. One of them told me that there’s no such thing as moving on when you lose your parent, you will only learn to live without them. And I couldn’t agree more.

Some bereaved can manage the pain properly. But some lost theirselves like I did. Depression may be a part of the grieving process. But everyone should see warning signs and try your best to open up to others. Seek for help. Depression kills. Seriously. You need to help yourself too. Acceptance is the first step to move forward. As of this writing, I’m still on the half way of the acceptance stage. But I’m happy there’s a progress. I’m now learning to allow myself to feel the pain. I don’t ignore nor escape it anymore. When I miss her or when I remember her, I cry ‘til I feel ok. And I tell myself “Hey aiz it’s ok! Iyak lang!”.

There is a hope for healing.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. 
- Jeremiah 31:13

On this continuing grief journey, I am learning a lot about the importance of life and the reminder that we should always be prepared for an uncertain future.

Mending my broken heart is not always an easy task. When being strong is the only option. I know that soon, I will be okay, because I have to be. 

I’m not a grief expert who can tell you everything you need to know about death and losing a loved one. I only have my story to share and the lessons and realizations to tell. It’s all for now. My journey is still in progress but someday I will make an article about the complete stage of grieving and healing. I can't preach what I still don't experience. For now, it’s all what can I offer to my readers.

God understands a silent and aching heart that doesn't know the exact words to say to Him. Trust Him. I did. Little by little I’m starting to see a light.

It is apparent that the cancer won the battle against mom. But His promise is greater than that fight. 

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

God Allows U-Turns

We are human- capable of making mistakes. Nobody is perfect.  Let us all admit: In some point of our lives: we make wrong choices, wrong decisions and wrong turns. I raise my hand- oops yes, guilty! My story is different from yours but God’s promise for us is similar. He allows U-turns. God forgives. No matter how far you run in the wrong direction, by God's grace and love you can turn your life around and get going again in the right direction.

Don’t let the past define who you are. I know it will take some time before you can totally forgive yourself. I myself had been in a wrong road before. My life was in a big mess. I faced the consequences of my actions. But as I always tell: I’m not there anymore. There will always be people who will still judge and will not believe in you but don’t mind them. Just keep going. Hey! It’s not between you and them in the first place. It’s between you and God anyway. God see what’s inside your heart! So don’t worry. You are a person of worth. Stop thinking that your past has disqualified you for having a good life. Always prove that you deserve a second chance. Past is past, you have the present- the result of the past but you have the power now to let it be the way you want it to be. You gained lessons for sure- use them instead as a guide in your future.

It is not easy to start all over again, when you have to go back to the right direction and pick up all your mess. I've been there. I can assure you, it's all worth it. When you look back, you will be amazed how that life shaking experience turn you into a person God wants you to be: stronger, better, You version 2.0 :D

If you're heading in a wrong direction, don't be discouraged! God allows U-Turn.

Godbless our path!

Meditate on God’s word:

Acts 3:19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.

Daniel 9:9 The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.

Job 22:23  If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent.

Ezekiel 18:21-23 But if wicked people turn away from all their sins and begin to obey my decrees and do what is just and right, they will surely live and not die. All their past sins will be forgotten, and they will live because of the righteous things they have done. “Do you think that I like to see wicked people die? says the Sovereign Lord. Of course not! I want them to turn from their wicked ways and live.

James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Isaiah 55:6-7 Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts; Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them; and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

Acts 8:22 Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord in the hope that he may forgive you for having such a thought in your heart.

The Loss, The Pain and The Regrets

Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

….  When I saw them covering mom’s dead body in white blanket, all I wish was it is all a dream. I can’t tell the exact description of what I felt during that time because part of me literally became numb of crying. I want to shout at the top of my lungs just to release the emotions but seem like something was stuck in my throat.

Feelings of bitterness began crowding out my mind. I can’t stop questioning the Lord why so soon.  It’s not fair, I thought. I want to complain. I want to get mad. I’m like a child having hard feelings with her parent because her request is not granted.  “Lord, with just one word, she will be healed. You are so powerful, you can save her and still give her a chance to be with us longer, why didn’t you?”

When we left the hospital, the pain continues to contaminate our hearts. We all want to go home immediately, wept and break down but there were a lot of things that need to do first such as settle the hospital bill, death certificate requirements, coordinate to the funeral parlor the things we need for the interment.

While we’re on the car, they remembered the last week before she passed away; they already planned to buy burial clothes for her because there was Filipino pamahiin/superstition that it lengthens the life of someone who has terminal disease. Funny because we don’t actually believe that, but we planned to do it. Nothing to lose if we follow the advice of some, we all thought. It’s how desperate we were. Unfortunately, we were not able to try it because of her sudden death.

Before going to the funeral parlor, we went to a shop and bought a simple but elegant Filipiniana, matching with pearl earrings. I couldn't hold my tears realizing that it would be the last time I pick clothes for my mom. So sad that I can no longer do the one thing I do for her randomly: buy clothes for her, especially when there’s occasion. Since my first salary, she never accepted money from me. “Dinan meng ditak i tatang mu and tipunan mu nalamu para keka “. Give some to your dad instead and save some money for you. Then, I remembered the conversation we had when I graduated from highschool. I promised her that she’ll always have new set of clothes when I begin to work after college. My promise was not broken; I buy clothes for her whenever I have extra money. It’s good to see the smile in her face when I go home and tell her.. “Ma, seli dakang malan. Subuk mu nemo if istu ya size.” Ma, I bought you new clothes. Let see if the size I chose is correct. When I buy her more than one, she’ll remind me the value of money. One is enough, she always tells me. And I insist “Minsan lang e.”  Happiness is when I see her wearing the clothes I bought. I will miss teasing her “Yay:3 ako bumili nyan. Ganda ma J”. Being the youngest that have the smallest income among my siblings, even small things like this one matter.

On our way home, the news about the demise of my mother spread quickly. Friends started to call and send messages of sympathy. Letters of condolences seemed to deepen my sorrow that time.

When we reached our house, there were a lot of people waiting outside. Tears filled my eyes as I entered; realizing that from now on, everything will never be the same. The sadness filled over. I immediately ran inside mom’s room and I broke down. My sister Jenn went on the other room and my sister Amy sat on the dining area. The door was closed but I can hear their cries. Every part of the room reminds me of her. The surrounding became very dramatic. I wept. Memories were all that I have. Suddenly they became the most treasured thing in my life.

We went to the funeral parlor to check mom after the embalmment. Is that mom, I asked. Her body, specifically the form of her face changed. The wound in her lips which she had bitten in pain was still visible. It was shown in her face the hardship she went though. She’s not even smiling.

When the coffin arrived in our house, I was sitting at the sofa and I was looking at the area where they are going to put it. Our house was newly painted in white. Before she passed away, she instructed dad to hire someone to fix the ceilings and repaint it with white color. Is it one of her premonitions? L I also remembered her last dream was gathering of many people wearing all whites in a banquet singing a song. Her deceased immediate family members (lolo, tita and tito) were also appearing in her dream so often, almost the whole week before she died. I wished I was more mindful with that.

The first night without her was really hard. Acceptance seems an impossible word. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and when I woke up and checked if it’s all a bad dream, I saw dad at my side and my two brothers were sleeping in the floor. I cried loudly, my dad woke up. Everything was real.He held my hand so tight and even though he didn’t say any words, I knew that he understands what I feel. I forced myself to go back to sleep because sleeping is the best way to escape the reality..

The next day, the sorrow still goes on but it was temporarily overwhelmed because visitors multiplied and grief had only a little space to fill in our mind. I feel well when I’m with people but become very weak when I’m alone. My family advised me not to stay inside the room but when I miss mom, I go there and faced the consequences- the depression.

Neighbors, Friends, Relatives came to show their support to our family and their love for our deceased mother. We were very grateful to know that my mom touched and influenced so many lives. #prouddaughter. Our family was very thankful to everyone because they helped us to cope somehow at that sad time. The everyday mass serviced by different priests and the pray over of the pastors were also a big help to make acceptance a possible word for us.

I really appreciated all my friends and officemates who called, texted and sent me a message and letter especially those few of them who exert an effort to be at my mom’s wake and burial. To my CF Childhood friends: Van and Casey- who went there almost every night of the wake, Quin and Mike. Lovely,  Gelai, Wei, Jaic and Sep. To my highschool friends: Che, Reya and Allen- as usual. To my college friends Choi, Jake, Mary, Zel and most especially to Paula- the effort to drive from Manila to Pampanga not just once but twice. You guys showed me that distance is not an excuse not to be there for me and at least give me some hugs when I needed it most. Thank you guys! To Father Christian, for telling me the words that I need to hear during the first night. To Gelo- for everything. I don’t want to enumerate those things because couple of pages is needed for those.

My Eulogy

Let me share the eulogy I made for my mom. It was read by my sister after the last mass for her.

What hurts the most?

Yun ung.. andaming stages pa ng buhay ko ang dadaanan ko, pero wala ka na. I want you to be there for me ma. Ihahatid mo pa ako dapat sa altar diba when I get married. Tuturuan mo pa ako mag-alaga ng apat na apo mo sakin.. Makikita mo pa ko na maging successful. Yung tipong ako na magbibigay sa inyo ni tatay ng maraming pera.. Pano na ko ngayon? Ang hirap i-face lahat lahat ng wala ka. Everything will never be the same without you. Wala na kong nanay na tatakbuhan kapag nagkakatampuhan o inaasar ako ng mga kapatid ko.. Wala na kong nanay na gigising ng sobrang aga para lang magising ako at hindi malate sa office. Wala na kong nanay na magluluto kahit anong sama pa ng pakiramdam mo, may maibaon lang ako pagkain pag-uwi ko ng makati. Wala ng nanay na tatawag sakin para komustahin ako pag may sakit ako, magpaalala na uminom ng gamot, kumain sa tamang oras, alagaan ang sarili.. Hanggang sa hospital kahit nakahilata ka na sa bed, you never failed to remind me those. Ma ang hirap hirap lalo. Wala na kameng nanay na mag-aasikaso saming lahat.

Ang sakit sakit palang mawalan ng nanay- the most painful thing I experienced.

Ang hirap hirap gumising sa umaga na marerealized mo na hindi pala panaginip lahat to- wala ka na pala talaga.

Kung minsan hindi ko mapigilang kwestyunin si Lord  " Bakit ganito kaaga. Hindi ko sha pinagdadamot sayo kasi alam ko ikaw ung mas nagmamahal sakanya.. Mas magiging masaya sya sa tabi mo.. kasi with you, he will no longer experience the pains she felt here.. Pero Lord, kayang kaya mo naman tanggalin lahat ng mga sakit na nararamdaman nya e.. With just one word, she will be healed. Isang salita mo lang Lord. Pero bakit hindi mo ginawa.."

Pero sabi nga nila, everything happens for a reason.I just need to trust his will lang siguro. Pero lolokohin ko lang ung sarili ko ngayon if sasabihin kong tanggap ko na nangyari. Hindi pa. Pero in time, soon.. tis pain of losing her will be healed.  Magiging okay din ako. Alam kong mas magiging masaya sha na makita un.

Your love for us will always remain in our hearts. Nawala ka man, lagi ka lang nandito sa puso naming lahat..

My Regrets

The last time I saw her awake, my sister and I talked about my mandatory leave and I agreed to spend all those days for mom. Just when I thought that it was time to spend more time with her- this happens.  I should realized earlier that in cancer, time is measured in moments- not days/months/years.

I was simply "too busy". While I was caring for having a better life, I missed the things I need to do for my mother. I regret not calling her as often as I can- over the times she and I have failed to communicate. I feel the loss of what was or what could have been- with the realization that mom would now longer be there for me.

Whenever I look back, I want to hit my head for being so confident that she will be healed. Death never crossed my mind! I didn't even consider the possibility (even a little). If only I can turn back time, I will do the things that she wants me to do for her. I will spend more quality time with her. Show her how much I love her. Assure her I'll be okay with my life. I will try my best to be the daughter that she deserves to have.

We have chance to be prepared, but we never did. I am currently living with regrets.

I was there for her during my day offs, but I felt that it was never enough. I know I can do more for her.

I am not really into cooking, but cooking is her passion, I wish I forced myself to try at least. We lost the best cook in our family. I will forever miss her specialties: Embutido, Arellenong Bangus, Pininyahang manok, Tinolang manok, Gelatin, Cornstarch and even the simple Patola soup with egg (my favorite) which she often cook just for me when our meal is Paksiw na isda or Bulanglang na Bangus because she knows I don't like those.

When someone is gone in your life, all the WHAT IF’s are automatic to run in your mind.

After the loss, my imagination went so far that I reach even the unattainable things.

If someone will give me the opportunity of being anything in this world, I choose to be a doctor- my dream when I was 4 years old. Maybe if I was, I detected mom’s disease in early stage or anything to lengthen her life. Seriously, what if I pursue that dream? Will I be more health conscious and will discover mom’s cancer earlier? Will I save her life?

What if I prepared myself that mom is dying soon? Will it be easier for me to let her go?

What If I realized earlier that I need to do the things that I need to do as a daughter? Maybe I don’t need to blame myself right now for not doing enough to show my love for her.

What if there’s time machine? What if we have at least two lives in our lifetime?

What if… I always wonder what might have happened if God chosen to grant miraculous healing.

It’s hard to live with regrets. I hope everyone who read my story will realize that life is really short.  Never miss a day without showing your loved ones how much you love them.