Beauty in Ugly Days

One of things I’ve learned about the journey of life is how to deal with “not-so-good days”. We all have ups and downs. We stumble and fall. We rise and shine. Life is really unpredictable. There are times that you wanna jump for joy but there also moments that you wanna cry and let it all out. No matter how much we want our day to be perfect and stress-free, things occur unexpectedly and out of our control. Disappointments, discouragement, pains, struggles, failures, obstacles, name it all. It can happen, anytime, anywhere, any day.

But in spite of having a bad day, we can lessen our sadness and can still feel good about ourselves. What we need is a good mind set, a positive attitude and a 20/20 vision of our soul that will see the beauty in the ugliest days.

Let me tell you something about my old self, a dark secret I used to keep.

I was a pessimistic person (super guilty). Used to be an emo (lol). I always feel weak. Crying was part of my routine. I sometimes hate myself before whenever I mess up or fail. No one knows the battle I have with myself whenever I am alone. Suicide even crossed my mind when depression strikes me after my mom’s death. People who don’t know me that much will be surprised to know this. I cover it all by smiling. They know me as a cheerful and happy person but the truth? I used to be someone who sees half glass of water as half empty, instead of half full.

How did I start seeing the beauty in ugly days? Let me share you the things that helped me change my perception towards a better life.  

•  A good attitude in dealing with negative things Something happened that is very distressing today. Things did not work the way you planned it to be. How will you gonna react? Are you going to ruin your day more by blaming yourself, venting out anger with others or feeling bad about it the whole day. I love this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:  “For every  minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.” Got point right? ;) Will you waste your time to be happy? Come to think of it! :0 Sayang ang oras na pede ka naman maging masaya. 

• Repeat this to yourself: I’m just having a bad day, not a bad life. Most of the time, we are blinded with the things that happen to us. Remind ourselves with all the blessings we receive. Life is a beautiful struggle sabi nga. Smile! Relax! things will get better : ) Keep the faith and always remember that there are better days ahead!

• Stop all the dramas! Don’t let sadness win. Fight for happiness. Go out with your friends. Watch your favorite movies. Talk to someone. Pamper yourself. Hit the gym. Do things that will make you happy. Take a good dose of  laughter. Break the habit of talking about your problems, talk about joy instead. Think about this, you stay at your room, cry the whole day, torture yourself, get mad. At the end of the day, who suffers? No one but You! Do you believe in law of attraction?Positive things attracts positive. Negative things attracts negative. So take a step. Time to live in optimism! ;) 

• Failed? Try again! Unlitry. Try and try until you succeed. Walk, fall down and get up again. Failure can be the stepping stone to success.. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and focus on what could go right. Don’t give up! Quitter never wins.

•  Let go of the past and move on.  We can’t live with happiness if we are still clinging with the bad memories.  How can you see the good days if we keep looking back with our past mistakes? Don’t define yourself with the basis of what you did in the past. The reason why the word repentance exists is for us to move forward and live to what you called “TODAY”. You have the power to shape your day and your future. Do it greatly.

• PRAY. Submit everything to God. If you feel that you do everything you can but still feeling the same way. Ask God to take over. Ikaw pa, lakas mo sa kanya. Kelan ba tayo pinabayaan ni Lord?

Ask yourself. Are you someone who sees half glass of water as half empty, instead of half full?  Maybe it’s time for a cool change. Life is short. Fill it with positive things. 

An Extraordinary Experience: Sunday in Bilibid Prison Maximum Security

It’s been a long time since I last wrote an article for my blog due to busy schedule. But a while ago inside the Bilibid prison, I committed to myself that I will find time to write for this no matter what- this experience was worth sharing.

Some of you might have a question in your mind, “what the heck is she doing inside the Prison?” Okay. Let me clear my article title. No-  I don’t have any case, neither my friends nor family.  In fact, it was my first time to go in that place. I was there with my Missionaries of Charities family, Augustinians Brothers and the two Vietnamese boys who are also in the seminary, and Fr. Peter- the priest in-charged.

The new Bilibid Prison located in Muntinlupa is the main insular penitentiary designed to house the prison population of the Philippines. It is maintained by the Bureau of Corrections under the Department of Justice. I heard that it has an inmate populations of almost 16k and more.

While we’re on our way to our destination, I helped them prepare the prayer leaflet that will be distributed to the prisoners. Fr. Peter led a prayer for the success of the activity. I have mixed emotions while I was in the van. 

Nervous?- not really. God is with us and guiding us so that we can do all things for His glory.

Excited? -new experience excites me all the time.

Happy?- of course. I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve the people of God, it doesn’t matter who they are.

Our goal is to bring back their faith to the Lord and ask them to repent and remind them that Jesus loves them, to pray for them. I’m so glad to be part of the team, to be a volunteer, to have an unforgettable and worth sharing experience inside, to realize a lot of things.

We got our pass at the Philippines Jesuit Prison Service Foundation Inc. Afterwards, we went to the Bilibid Prison Maximum Security. According to sister Kidushin, there are three classifications of the Bilibid Prison: the minimum, medium and the maximum security. For this week, the assignment is in the maximum security. From the words itself, these are the inmates who are mostly in life sentenced, have big cases, etc. I thank the Lord for the strength he gave me during my stay in the prison. Firstime, maximum agad. Haha.

Finally arrived!

We surrendered our electronics device before entering the prison. It is strictly prohibited.  (So, I’m sorry guys I can’t show you what I saw inside. Haha). Registration, checking of bags then eto na! entrance na. Whoaah! It’s not what I expected to see. Yung imagination ko, ibang iba sa reality. Haha. Akala ko when you say prisons, literal na selda, nakakulong, just like what I see in the movies but I was completely wrong. There is basketball court in the gymnasium. There is catholic chapel wherein masses held daily. I’ve read that there are also educational facilities inside the compound that provides elementary, highschool and vocational training and adult literacy program. The new Bilibid Prison also housed a talipapa (market) where the prisoners can buy commodities. Cool! Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba talaga yung may hindi alam na parang village pala ang bilibid prison. Halos kompleto sila. At na-amazed ako when the guitar string was broken (to be used in the mass) and we were informed na meron bilihan ng string ng gitara! Haha. Ayos. I just pray na sana lahat ok na sa pagbabagong buhay. As I said in one of my article,  God allows U-Turns :)

I know there are a lot of bad vibes inside. Gang issues, Drugs, etc. but I didn’t look on that. I focus on the Lord want me to realize and see.  I wasn’t able to go around the whole area, sobrang laki na parang sa Disneyland ata. Haha. We were there to go to the Bilibid Hospital and visit the sick prisoners. Yes, I know itong mga taong to probably murderers, rapist, drug lord, at kung ano ano pa.. but my heart is not a stone para hindi makaramdam ng awa for them. I erased all the negative emotions and tried to be like Jesus most especially during that time; to see them not with what they did wrong but with what they can do right. Tinanggal ko lahat ng judgement and ung mga negative emotions. Marami rin naman akong pagkakamali sa buhay ko.. and siguro ikaw din. Halos lahat naman tayo.. pero God forgives. Mahal tayo ng Diyos. Lagi nating tatandaan yun. He’s always waiting for us. Na tumawag. Na Magdasal. Na Manalig.

Sinama ako ni Sister Kidushin na maglibot to visit each room. There was an old man who was in a wheelchair who welcomed us. Kilala na nya si Sister because she is almost there every week to visit them. I gave him his request: adult diaper. Sobrang happy nya nung inabot ko. He couldn’t stop thanking us. May area na nakabukas ung room, may area na nakalock, yung mga nakalock yun ung mga pasaway at hindi gumagawa ng maganda when they’re outside. We went there also. The lady who was crying so hard caught our attention. Visitor pala sya. Nabaliw kasi yung kapatid nya sa loob. Sabi nga nya siguro sa depression at matinding pag-iisip. Sister Kidushin get his brother’s name to include him in the mass. Naginvite kame to those who can still walk, who want to hear the mass. Happy naman na madami pa din ang nag-attend. Fr. Peter encouraged them to have their confessions and he also anointed the sick in the area with a severe disease. Nakakaiyak talaga to be there! There was a man who was shouting, nakaawa yung condition nya.. “Father! Ako po si ___. Nagsisisi na po ako sa aking mga kasalanan! Maraming salamat po sa pagpunta niyo dito samin.” Fr. Peter anointed him with oil and reminded him that God forgives and loves him. He was crying and thanking the Lord. The other prisoner told his other prisoner “Pede na ko mamatay. Natanggap ko na ang huling sakramento”. Sad : ( You know what sadder? Sabi nila.. halos lahat daw ng mga nasa area na yun, after a week wala na sila T__T Ang saklap siguro mawala ng hindi mo man lang kasama ung pamilya mo. : (

The mass started. I couldn’t stop my tears when I saw them praying, placing their hands to the left part of their chest. Para bang may background music playing tapos tuloy tuloy na ang luha ko. Masaya lang siguro talaga ako to see people like them na alam kong kahit paano, may Diyos pa din silang kinikilala. Na may goodness pa rin inside their heart. I wonder ano kaya yung mga pinagdadasal nila bukod sa paglaya nila at paggaling.. Yung safety ng family nila. Yung success ng mga anak nila. O siguro ung bagong buhay! ;) Let’s all pray for all the sinners including ourselves. Na totally masubmit natin ang sarili natin kay Lord. Na sana mas makagawa pa tayo ng mga kabutihan at ng may kabuluhan. Napakabless natin. Wag nating kalimutan magpasalamat. If you can see their situations, siguro mas maapreciate mo yung buhay mo. I did. : )

After the mass, they introduced me to them since it was my first time. Sabi nila sana daw lagi ako sumama to visit them kasi it feels good na may dumadalaw sakanila. We taught them a song of praise titled “Manalig ka”.

“Iluom lahat ng takot sa iyong damdamin… Manalig ka, tuyuin ang luha sa mga mata.. Hindi sya panaginip. Hindi sya isang pangarap. Siya’y buhay, manalig ka.” 

It’s really nice to see them participating and singing : ) Then, namigay kame ng bread. We said goodbye after. Yung mga ngiti ng pasasalamat, sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam. Ni hindi nga ko nakaramdam ng takot or feeling of harm..

A man named Kuya Roly introduced his self to me, mejo matanda na rin sha.. mga late 50s. Hindi ko talaga alam na isa sha sa mga inmate. Napakabait nya kasi samin. Pinapayungan pa nga kame ni sister. Kinwento nya na malapit na daw syang lumaya and he asked me to pray for him too. Pinapirma pa nga nya ko sa bible nya. And he praised me for being brave for a first timer in maximum security prison because usually daw lahat ng first timer, kabado at takot. Sana hindi daw ako tulad ng iba na sobrang baba ng tingin sa kanila and mapanghusga. Marami daw sa loob na mababait naman talaga. My perception changed.

Before kame umalis, one of the inmates showed us their handicraft. I bought one; it was made of a coca-cola 1.5 bottle. It was very creative. Remembrance na din.


Overall: It was a day well spent with the prisoners.

'It's better to light one candle than to curse the darkness'
-Proverb

Become a faithful prayer warrior lifting up the needs of prisoners and speaking blessings into their lives. Prisoners have many prayer needs. They desperately want prayer for themselves, their families, and their future reentry back into society.  Prayer touches the deepest hurts of those who feel so lost, lonely, and unwanted by the world.

Even if you’ve never been inside a prison or jail, you can be a prayer warrior.

May I ask you guys a favor? Let's all offer a prayer for the prisoners:

Father of Mercy, the secrets of all hearts are known to you alone. You know who is just and you forgive the unjust. You alone are the Almighty Judge. We are not worthy of judging anyone. Your mercy is enough for sinners. Hear our prayers for those in prison. Give them repentance and let them believe in you. Give them patience and hope in their sufferings, and bring them home again soon. Comfort their near and dear ones. Let them trust in Jesus Christ and live with hope. Amen

Godbless us all :)

Birthday for a Cause

It's my first birthday without my mother. 
"How am I going to celebrate my special day without the woman who gave birth to me and took good care of me in my 26 years of existence?"
 An excellent idea crossed my mind. 
Instead of throwing party for myself, why not use the money in spending or donating it for sick kids.

Let me share with you the steps in planning for a successful birthday for a cause:

•       Research and choose an Orphanage, Charitable Institution or Foundation that you want to support or become involved in.

http://www.charity-charities.org/Philippines-charities/Philippines.html

              >>list of charities in the Philippines

http://www.pcnc.com.ph/ngo-list.php?a=A

              >> list of Certified NGOs.

In my birthday for a cause 2014, I chose Cancer Warriors Foundation Inc.  My mom suffered from cancer and I felt the need to help and serve sick people. It became my advocacy. Missionaries of Charity, Home of joy for the sick children was also in my list. When I was in college, we volunteered and donated toys in this charity. 

•        Think of ways that you can become involved with the charities you have chosen. Call, message or visit them and inquire for important details.

I advise you to at least have a brief knowledge about their mission vision so that you can pattern that to your “birthday for a cause” plans.  Visit their website if there’s any, like their FB page and read articles about them to gain ideas how can you contribute to them.

When I’ve browsed the cancer warriors foundation website (http://cancerwarriorsfoundation.org/) , I immediately called their contact number and they asked me to email all my inquiry.  Because I’m too excited and can’t wait for their email reply, I liked their FB page and exchanged messages to their FB admin. My first idea was to throw a party for the cancer warriors to bring smiles to the sick kids in my special day, but I was informed that there was already a party set on 19^th of July 2014- 1 day before my birthday.  Instead, they invited me to come and be a volunteer in assisting the kids there. Sounds great!  I told myself it’s a better idea. Instead of spending money on party for the kids, why not donate it as a small help to the kids with cancer for their medicines.

 I also called the Missionaries of Charity and ask if we can visit the kids on my birthday but unfortunately that day was not available. The nun asked me for other dates that I prefer to visit so that she can check if it’s available. I chose July 21, after my birthday. Luckily, the date slot was still free. We discussed the children needs, the dos and donts and other regulations. As per her, July is an off-peak season for donations. Instead of receiving toys from donors, they prefer to receive milks and other groceries for the kids.

•       If you can, organize Fundraising Project to increase the money you can give to your chosen charities. More help, the better.  Also ask your family and friends to support your birthday for a cause. You can ask for their financial assistance or any donation in kind such as clothes, groceries, etc.

I have to warn you. In organizing a fundraising event, you have to prepare yourself not only physically, but emotionally as well.  Your time and efforts are so much needed to make it successful  but you also have to strengthen your inner core to accept that not everybody will going to support your advocacy. Some people will praise you and so much willing to help and give but some are not, no matter what their reasons and responses are- respect it. We all have different point of views. They have the choice to give or not to give, to help or not to help. Simple as that.

When I’m doing the fundraising- asking people for donations, I was not comfortable about it. I hate the feeling of asking money from people.  I even cry in the first day of the project. I don’t know if it’s a pride issue. But I pray to God and I heard an immediate answer.  Feels like there’s a voice whispering in my head  “Hey Don’t be discouraged! Always remember why you’re doing it and what makes you do it. Think of the smiles of the kids that you can help in your fundraising project.”. The next day, I was totally inspired and more determined. PUSH! 

Tips for a successful fundraising:

-create a birthday campaign and write a very powerful message to the possible donors. State your advocacy clearly and write it wholeheartedly.

-promote your fundraising using social media such as fb, instagram or tweeter.

-ask your friends and family to help and promote your fundraising project.

-don’t forget to update the donors about the result of their generosity and send them thank you letters.

•       Finalize and list all your plans for your birthday for a cause.

The date in meeting your chosen charity is set. All your donations are now ready. It’s time to think of some ways how to make that day extra ordinary.

Below is the draft agenda I made in our volunteer activities together with my childhood friends  in Missionaries of Charity:

            Missionary of Charity, Home of Joy for the Sick People 

Agenda: 

02:00 pm        Arrival at Missionary of Charity. 
                       Greetings. Introduce group. 
                       Give Donation Supplies. 

02:20 pm        Prayer for the Volunteers                           

02:30 pm        Opening prayer for the activity                  

02:40 pm        Get to know the kids. Introduce selves. 
                       Chat time. Interact with them. 
                       For girls: Fix their hair. Put a headband/clips. 
                       Make them feel better about their selves. 

03:00 pm        Groupings. 
                        Start of activities: (choose any) 
                        -Art works. 
                             *Coloring activities 
                             *Interpret drawing 
                             *Teach them how to make origami. 
                        -Ask them to show their talents. 
                                *Sing and dance with them. 
                                *Praise them. 
                        -Teach them how to pray. 
                        -Read them fairy tale/story telling. 
                                -ipad/ visuals 
                        -Games 
                                     *rubber games: 10/20, etc. 
                                *stop dance 
                                *paper dance game 
                                *etc. 

04:00 pm        Dinner 
                        Ask kids if anyone have birthday on this month. 
                                *if any, ask the group to sing happy birthday 
                                 -blow cakes and make wishes with them. 
                        Food trip. 

05:00 pm        Ask them to write letters 
                -message 
                -dreams 
                -wishlist 

05:20 pm        Distribute loombands. 

05:25 pm        Closing prayer                                 
                Messages to the kids. 
                Messages from kids. 

•        Don’t forget to tell the charity how grateful you are for having a birthday for a Cause.

I wrote a thank you letter for each charities I've chosen expressing my gratitude for the opportunity to do good deeds and help sick children.

The feeling is priceless. I have learned a lot from all this experience. My only goal is to help sick children in my birthday but I didn’t expect that I also promote the importance of charity works and able to inspire others. I received a lot of compliments and messages from unexpected people that they also want to join me in my advocacy and was inspired with what I’m doing. All my efforts, sacrifices for this project and everything I did were all worth it :’>

Share Your Blessings

Dear friends and family,

As you all know, my mom passed away last April 24, 2014 due to cancer. My birthday is coming this July 20. It's my first birthday without my mother and I feel so devastated. I recently suffered from depression and in my healing process, I feel the need to help other sick people. I am not that financially stable to donate a lot of money they need but I can give my free time in doing what I can do for them. We have schedule on July 21, 2014, for volunteering at Missionary of Charity, Home of Joy for sick people. We will organize an event that will cater activities to make those kids appreciate their life inspite of their condition. In this way, we can try and bring a little smile on the face of these children who have suffered a lot in life.  I just want to bring joy to those fighters and warriors like my mother.

I also want to donate funds that can help them with their everyday needs such as medicines, foods like milk, cerelac, etc. I am trying to raise as much money as possible.

Thus, I am making a humble request to you to try and help us out in any possible way, be it money or through providing services, donating clothes for kids or foods. Hence, this is a sincere plea to you to help us. 

With the help of your assistance, the organization will be able to support a large number of sick children. Your small donation today can help make a big difference in their lives. 

Any amount or any kind of donation will be highly appreciated as long as it is coming from your heart. 

“True charity is the desire to be useful to others without the thought of recompense” – Emanuel Swedenborg.

You can reach me at my email address: aiza.medina@yahoo.com

or send me a message in my facebook acount. 

Thank you very much for considering a donation for this noble cause.

Yours faithfully,

Aiza Reyes Medina

About the organizations: 

Your donations will go to two of my chosen charities.

1. The Cancer Warriors Foundation

It is the fulfillment of a promise ---- a promise made by a 19 year old boy (James Auste), as he himself was battling brain cancer. A promise that every Filipino child, stricken with cancer, especially the poor and disadvantaged, will have an equal chance to conquer cancer and to avail of cancer treatments. 

Mission

F acilitating increased awareness and understanding of childhood cancers, with emphasis on early detection, proper management and care. 

I nitiating programs and activities that will inspire cancer patients, survivors and their families, that there is hope and life, even with cancer.

G enerating support and pro-active involvement of various sectors in information/education/communication (IEC), and advocacy, especially on childhood cancers. 

H elping ensure that poor and impoverished children with cancer will have access to timely and appropriate diagnosis, proper treatment and quality care.

T aking the lead in building and strengthening linkages and encouraging resource – sharing, between and among local and international groups, involved in cancer prevention and care.The Cancer Warriors Foundation is engaged in innovative programs and activities to bring across its message and challenge: LET'S HELP KIDS BEAT CANCER.

for more details of the organization, please visit http://cancerwarriorsfoundation.org

2. The “Missionaries of Charity Home of Joy for the sick Children” 

It is the order of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta that serve the poorest of the poor and caters to special children, those with Down's syndrome, hydrocephalous, and the like.  

If you want, you can make a direct donation to them. 

For The Cancer Warriors Foundation, you can send a message at their FB page or email them at cancerwarriorsph@gmail.com for inquiry. 

For The “Missionaries of Charity Home of Joy for the sick Children”, you can visit them at 1030 Tayuman Street, Tondo, Manila. Their telephone number is (+632) 255-0832 and the contact person is Sister Anselm. 

Letting Go and Letting God

This article is about my grief journey.

How I failed and survived.

I wish that it will encourage anyone who is grieving and hurting.

The following is based on my experience.

Yours might be completely different,

but I’ll bet most of you can find some sort of similarities.

Our feelings are universal.

Different stories/scenarios.

Bottom line, it’s all painful.

I salute everyone who survived the grieving process.

Let’s all be strong and pray for each other.

To those whom not yet suffered a loss, I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say that can prepare you for it.  But always remember that no matter what happens, there is always a hope for complete healing. There will be a day when negative emotions will subside.

                           

Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you
will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” - John 16:22

They say that the hardest part of the bereavement is the after-burial day. I confirmed that this is true- when you have to go back to your daily life and you know that you have to face big changes in your life. It hurts knowing that I’m going to wake up every day and the first thing that come to my mind is my mother is now gone and will never be here physically forever, how can I live without her? She’s dead and I want her back! It’s like a morning sky without the sun. At the start of facing life without her- darkness seems to be never ending.

April 29, 2014 After the interment, we all returned in our house with broken hearts. The ambiance was still as sad as the first day of her death. Knowing that there would always be someone missing from our table from now on devastated me. Even though I promised myself to let her go, I wasn't able to do it the way I expected it to be. Goodbye seems to be the hardest word.

After praying the rosary with the rest of my family, a butterfly was waiting outside the room. It was a smaller butterfly which looked exactly the same as the butterfly who died in the funeral. Co-inicidence? I was really amazed. 

Maybe it’s a symbol of mom’s soul experiencing the promise of Easter. As they say, butterfly is a symbol of life and hope. The butterfly can be seen as the insect that dies as a caterpillar, buried in the cocoon for a length of time, and emerges in a new life- that as a creature who has the ability to transcend the ordinary and take flight into the heavens. In many spiritual circles, the butterfly represents the spirit or soul. (hubpages.com)

I requested for an extra vacation leaves from work to spend more time with my family. I felt like I can’t still go back to the city to live my life, I need an extra days to prepare myself for my everyday routine.

The first occasion without mom

It’s our family usual practice to go to my dad’s relatives during their fiesta. As a part of moving on, dad decided to attend. There’s pain in my chest as I was looking at left side part of the car where mom usually sits, she’s not there anymore. I tried to fight the memories that keep on recurring. The dinner was served. No more mom to unwrap shells of shrimp and crab for me. #mejospoiled

Facing the emptiness that nothing can seem to fill.

3 days additional leaves were over. My sister’s going back to USA and I need to go back to Makati for my work. We had our first family dinner in the mall without mom. Her absence causes a feeling of incompleteness. </3

                        

Before they accompanied my sister in the airport, they dropped me to the Bus station. You know the feeling that you are assessing yourself and you sensed that you’re not yet ready to face the coming days. As I was sitting in the bus, I can’t stop my mind from remembering mom- Her face, her smile, the last moment with her. My tears were falling continuously. For the first time after her death, I finally felt her presence. Everytime I’m trying to sleep, she’s appearing in my mind. I knew she’s with me at that particular moment. When I was already at my unit that night, I dreamt about her. She was in extreme pain in a hospital scene; I was panicking then suddenly the scenario changed; she stands up, smiled at me and told me that she now feels well. Then I realized that maybe mom was already tired and so much in pain, and Jesus invited her to come home and she went. How could I be so selfish wanting her so bad to get back here on earth? She’s now living with Jesus. She’s now my angel. One day I’ll see her in heaven.

I just wished that acceptance was as simple as that. When you lost your mother, you feel as if you've lost a part of your very own self. It’s hard. God knows how much I’m tormented everyday. No matter how I tried to be stronger as I should be, I still failed. Yes, I lost myself in the grieving process.

I’ve been through a lot of heartaches in my life and this one is the worst. When I lost my ex 2 years ago, mom knew how much I suffered. She saw me cried almost everyday- paying for all the mistakes I’ve done in my life. I even told her that it was the most painful thing I experienced in my existence. And now, I lost her. It broke the record. The pain of losing my her is double, triple.. or can I say that no amount of pain will be greater than this.

I made my body as my journal and my story was written in it. My first tattoo was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. A bible verse that made me goes on in life after experiencing a tremendous pain. My second tattoo was the signature of my mom. I want to carry her name for the rest of my life- whatever I do and wherever I go. Life with ink? Please don’t judge.

                       

                               

                       

In the days that followed her death, I managed to look okay when I’m with people. I joined the conversation in the office like a normal person, I laughed with jokes, smiled at them, talked like the way I was before my mom’s passing, post and interact in social networks. But the truth is I was not okay. I was in deep grief. The only solution I considered to function well in my workplace and in everyday life was to escape the reality. Everytime I remember her, I close my eyes and set up my mind that she is still alive; she is at home doing the things she do everyday while I am working in the City- then magic- sadness is vanishing little by little. Escaping reality became a habit. I made it a remedy. But, it’s not always successful. 

There were random times that everything is flashing back, over and over again, seems there’s no way to stop it.

-I was in my way home when the moment she’s dying popped up in my mind. I couldn't help it. My tears began to flow. The passengers started staring at me; maybe wondering what I’m going through.

-I hid in my office rest room so that no one could see my tears. Get used to quite sobbing just to release my negative emotions.

-I woke up and greeted “Good morning Papa Jesus, Good morning Mama!”. I thought I was doing a great start of the day but then sadness consumed it all, followed by a bad cry.

-Insomniac nights. I had trouble sleeping. My mind was so active, thoughts about her was persistent.
-Sounds OA, but I had an emotional throwback during the scene of the death of Gwen Stacy in Spiderman. I almost broke down in the cinema. My boyfriend was so worried; he didn’t know how to stop me from crying. The feeling that you can’t do anything to save the life of the one you love to keep her alive.

-I had a skin allergy all over my face due to stress as per my doctor, plus my two wisdom teeth were removed. I was about to dial her number, the thought of calling mom to tell her about it- then I realized that she’s now in heaven, far away where my phone calls can reach. This kind of event makes me miss her most. No more phone call conversation about complains in life, health updates and her constant reminders and sermon to take good care of myself!

-There was one time that I was alone in my work shift. I was staring at my mobile phone then suddenly a tsunami of sorrows attacked me. I remembered all the random phone calls of mom. I was craving for her voice so much! I cried like a baby.

-The old photographs bring back old memories. Make me miss her more.

-I was having a bad day and I inexplicably wanting my mother, I picture her calling me asking me how I was. My boyfriend came in to check on me, I was on my room sobbing uncontrollably because no ways became effective in escaping the real situation. A voice keeps shouting in my head “She’s now gone!”. And I felt like a loser.

-The Eucharistic mass part-singing “The Lord’s Prayer” is very significant to me. It makes me feel that I was with my mom, holding her hands. Up to now, there’s no moment that I don’t cry when I sing/hear this prayer.

-Often, I found it hard to concentrate. I have the habit of releasing my emotions thru writing. I wanted to write this heavy sadness and I ended up with this blog, writing down the story of her death. I want to share it to people and remind them to take good care of their loved ones while they still have time to do so.

-The pain was so intense that I consulted a psychotherapist but can’t afford to maintain therapy- so expensive. I was so desperate- I want them to give me something to take the pain away.

- Going home without her is like a moon without the stars. It is when I go home when I remember mama best. I can picture her in my mind in every corner of our house. As I enter, she is sitting in our dining area. The smile in her face when she sees me is one of the things I will miss about her then I reach her hand to put in my forehead (pagmamano-sign of respect to elders). “Mengan na ka?” Did you eat already?- The question that she will never missed to ask first. We have a short chatting time while she’s in the dining table sharing latest updates about me, if there is any. When I volunteer to wash the dishes, she always asks me to leave the casserole because she wants to wash it thoroughly; she knows I always failed to do that. I remember her walking around the garden and watering her orchids, roses and other plants.

-My grief was most evident on special occasions. May 11, 2014- Motherless in Mother’s day. I was so envious to everyone who had their moms to buy for flowers/gifts and to spend the day with them. I know that I should be thankful for all Mother’s day I did have. But it makes me so sad that I don’t have her anymore for all the Mother’s days to come.

Happy Mother's Day mom!

Everyday seems to be “same fight, different day”. I went through rollercoaster of emotions. Up. Down. Up. Down. I’ve tried my very best everyday just to keep myself busy. Just to comfort myself. Just to block out anything that would intensify the pain. But there were uncontrollable times when I begin to make progress, the memories suddenly flashback. The wounds that begin to heal reopen again. The days that followed failed to lessen my grief. Inconsistent emotion was the best word to describe it.

One day, I’m okay. The other day I’m super not. I often scheduled out of town outings, foodtrips, movie date, ice cream dates, etc. with friends, for me not to feel the loneliness. Some misunderstood my ways. All they know was I’m already moving on with what happened. I tried but I often failed. The truth? I continued to grieve silently and secretly. I don’t want them to see that I’m having a hard time adjusting with my life. I didn’t realize that I’m doing badly. I never fully allowed myself to feel what I really feel. I speed up the grieving process, no maybe the correct term is I tried to cheat the grieving process. I tried to push away the grief. Anytime I feel like falling apart, I’m escaping reality. Wrong. This worked for a little while, but not for long. Everytime I remember her death, I feel like my chest is going to explode. My mood swing became extreme that it somehow affects my relationship with my loved ones: family, boyfriend and some of my closest friends. I became impatient, sensitive and selfish who only care about what I feel. I often have this wrong emotion that no one really understand me. I became close minded. I took everything that happened negatively. I was so self centered that I expect them to treat me super kindly as possible but I didn’t realize that they were also grieving and feeling the same way that I do. All I know was I need them. I became inconsiderate about their feelings. There’s only ME! ME! ME! attitude. There came a point that I released my emotions in front of my dad when mysiblings and I had a huge misunderstanding. Failed to control my emotions and began to self-piety, I throw away the flowers I bought for my mom and some pillows when my sister and I had an argument. I was crying so hard repeatedly calling mama, dad was so worried. He begged me to calm down and accept that mom’s not here anymore.” I’m still here for you.” , he tearfully said. I felt a bit comforted knowing that I still have a parent who is still there for me. I still have my dad. That day, I slept with a feeling that I still have reasons to go on. But the next day is totally different story. When I came back to Makati,I was alone staring blanks at the roof of my room. That day, I was so seriously depressed, I hurt myself. I was about to do something stupid when my phone beeped and it was dad asking me how I was, did I already eat and a reminder to take good care of myself. Upon reading the message, I cried so hard, feeling so guilty for being weak to manage the pain properly. How could I be so inconsiderate to the people who love me and care so much for me?

Acceptance is the first step: Let go and let God.

That incident is an eye-opener of what I need to do and where should I start. Getting used to being motherless is taking longer than I thought. Even though it’s been months since my mother died, many things still trigger thoughts of her. But I realized that what I’m going through is totally normal. I’ve read many articles about death and grief, joined forums and I approached some of my friends who already went through this kind of situation. One of them told me that there’s no such thing as moving on when you lose your parent, you will only learn to live without them. And I couldn’t agree more.

Some bereaved can manage the pain properly. But some lost theirselves like I did. Depression may be a part of the grieving process. But everyone should see warning signs and try your best to open up to others. Seek for help. Depression kills. Seriously. You need to help yourself too. Acceptance is the first step to move forward. As of this writing, I’m still on the half way of the acceptance stage. But I’m happy there’s a progress. I’m now learning to allow myself to feel the pain. I don’t ignore nor escape it anymore. When I miss her or when I remember her, I cry ‘til I feel ok. And I tell myself “Hey aiz it’s ok! Iyak lang!”.

There is a hope for healing.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. 
- Jeremiah 31:13

On this continuing grief journey, I am learning a lot about the importance of life and the reminder that we should always be prepared for an uncertain future.

Mending my broken heart is not always an easy task. When being strong is the only option. I know that soon, I will be okay, because I have to be. 

I’m not a grief expert who can tell you everything you need to know about death and losing a loved one. I only have my story to share and the lessons and realizations to tell. It’s all for now. My journey is still in progress but someday I will make an article about the complete stage of grieving and healing. I can't preach what I still don't experience. For now, it’s all what can I offer to my readers.

God understands a silent and aching heart that doesn't know the exact words to say to Him. Trust Him. I did. Little by little I’m starting to see a light.

It is apparent that the cancer won the battle against mom. But His promise is greater than that fight. 

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”